Thursday, September 23, 2010

Verbal Butt Pees

Week number two of work is winding down. That’s weird to say. Work. Maybe in a month it won’t seem so foreign to me. One thing I am pretty sure of is the novelty will have worn off by then and I’ll remember why I was so bajiggity to stay home in the first place.

Namely here is my one issue – besides missing my babies of course -  with being a working mom:

The whole job thing really puts the kibosh on activities I enjoy.

Like catching up on shitty reality shows on DVR while the kids nap. And blogging. And reading blogs for that matter. I opened up my Google Reader tonight and I had 763 new entries to read. What the shit?? I go to work where I can’t even open up a damn link to the weather and you people are all out here writing prose fifteen times a day. I have performance anxiety over the whole thing now, so thanks overachievers.

I have been trying to catch up the past few nights but just when I think I have it under control, I sign off for 24 hours, come back, and you biotches have added another 300 posts. Call me nuts but I actually read everyone I follow. I feel guilty if I don’t. Is that weird? Probably.

In another random news I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about ( because I know you were all wondering), I’m STILL COUGHING. It’s gotten to the point of being fucking ridiculous. I’m on day 26. No lie. My chest hurts, my sides hurt, I keep pissing my pants… I’m over it. Last night I Googled --- cuz you guys know how much I love to Google shit – the following: Can coughing damage your bladder? That was shortly followed by Lasting incontinence + violent coughing, and lastly my personal fave, Can you cough out your bladder?

Oddly I did not find any concrete answers. The only silver lining in my recent adventures in involuntary self-urination  is that after many instances of trial and error, I’ve finally discovered a way to combat the issue . In an ode to female solidarity, I feel I should share the secret with you: Overnight Maxi Pads. Oh yes. Like a big giant diaper. But I don’t just use one. Oh no, not with the amount of water I drink. I double bag that shit. Two pads. I overlap ‘em so I get extra coverage in the middle  but due to their erm…large presence, I basically wind up with a pad from my belly button to my ass crack. Sure it ain’t pretty (or okay, really all that comfortable), but no pain, no gain, and I’ll take waddling around with a fucking jerry rigged diaper on over pissing my pants any day. And just because I’ve already crossed jumped took a flying leap over the TMI line, let me also point out that I’m currently being visited from AF at the moment too. So not only do I the sanitary napkin equivalent of a roll of Bounty paper towels  chafing my lady bits, I also get the pleasure of trying not to get my tampon string stuck in a God damned Always wing.

Needless to say, I’m ready for winter to come and kill off all the shit that’s making me cough. Hear that, Mother Nature? 95 on the first day of Autumn today was some bullshit. BULLSHIT. Take note please. I’d like to make it to October without pissing out my bladder.


Whew. I feel a bit better after that rant. Since I’m incapable of taking deep calming breaths, bitching seems to be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe I can actually sleep now.

Until the coughing starts again of course.


Catch ya’ll on the flipside, I’m sure by the time I punch my password back into Google tomorrow, you’ll have all written thesis papers or something.  To distract yourself from furthering my “I’m not good enough” feelings, go check out the fabu  Mrs. Mootz over at a{museing} mommy... on a pink park bench. I get the pleasure of guest posting there today (tomorrow, whatever, it’s close enough to Friday) so if the mental image of me in my Maxi Pad Splendor hasn’t scared you off, click HERE and go read some more of my randomness.

And if you’re feeling all clicky happy, why not go pretty please throw me a *VOTE*too? Sure I may smell like your Depends-wearing senile relative in the nursing home, but at least I’ll stay in the top 10 for funnies, right?


  1. You know I can't resist this one :) THANK YOU for making me LMAO!! Between this and watching the Sandlot with Chuck I am laughing harder than I have in a while! I am a little befuddled though......why don't you just go out and buy the "mommy diapers" you know the ones I'm talking about.....better than 2 pads doubled up. I really do hope you start to feel better!
    Love ya!

  2. What a gem of an a$$ you have. I am totally loving the mental image that you gave me. Maybe I'll throw a pad or 2 on myself just to feel closer to you today. TMI? What's that?!? Never heard of it before! Your my kinda girl!

    Loved your post with Mrs. Mootz today. I'm now your newest follower...consider yourself blessed! In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit!

  3. Cheese and rice woman, now you have me peeing my pants. I came over here with a side-stitch from laughing so hard at your VIB post on my blog and before I can even catch my breath you have laughing again. Yes, "stupendously hilarious." That doesn't even begin to cover it though because you made me pee my pants. I love it :)

  4. I can't even take your humor. I know I can always count on you for a good laugh!! Thanks God RHONJ is over now that you don't have time to watch tv..LOL! I am sure it is going to take a little time to get into a good routine where you feel you are not overwhelmed. Don't worry, I am not writing a thesis anytime soon :)

  5. I am trying to contain my laughter here at work. You can probably blame the weak bladder on having kids. I have never peed myself while sneezing, coughing, or laughing until I popped out the babies. Aside from making my cute falt stomach into a jelloy road map, they gave me that little gift as well. Hang in there, it sucks getting old!

  6. LOL!!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning. I totally hear you on catching up with other people's blogs. I've given up. Those high numbers are overwhelming for me. I'm lucky to get a post in twice a week!! I miss the old days too, but we'll get through this together! :o) Hope all is well with you and hope the coughing gets better soon!

  7. Working sucks! I don't know why my employer doesn't understand they they are seriously impairing my blogging progress maybe I should bring it up in my next review!

  8. Holy crap! I'm sorry but I can't help but laugh at your whole coughing and pissing thing. The mental image of your overnight diaper is just too much for me. I REALLY hope that your allergies die down some soon. I'm afraid for your mental state if they don't. ;-)

    And yeah...the whole working thing sucks. Most blogs are blocked when I'm at work so I use my 40 minute blocks of "quota time" to read as many as I can during lunch. I stay up too late to post on my blog and I have the bags under my eyes to show for it. I wish everyone would stop posting for like two weeks so I can get caught up!