Ugh. Septemeber is here and it brought with it my allergies (damn you, cornfields and ragweed!!), cooler weather, Pumpkin Spice lattes (I'm obsessed with them. Really.), and of course an illness or two. Or actually three, since the kids and I are all sick. If I was a man, I'd whine and tell you I was dying, but since I'm a woman, I'll just bitch about it. Upper respiratory infection and laryngitis. Seriously. C'mon immune system. Do your job! My head is so congested, I can't hear, can't taste, and can't breathe. I'm popping Sudafed like candy, Robutusin for the cough, my inhalor for the chest crud, aaaannnd my favorite (ha), Prednisone for the.. well, I don't know what. Because I went to the urgent care clinic and asked for a steroid shot to clear me out and they refused, I suppose. I wish my allergist was in the office 24/7. He woulda stuck in the hip, patted me on the head, and sent me on my merry way. Wait. That sounded kinda dirty, didn't it? Well you know what I mean. I hate taking Prednisone because it makes me a RAGING LUNATIC. Hello, PMS in a pill? I'm hungry, I'm irritable, and I'm wound up. I guess if I had to get sick, it's better to do it now instead of after I start my job, right? Right.
Moving on... time for a lil' 5 Question Friday with Mama M! Who’s excited??? I know I am, because that whole bitch/moan/complain thing about my plague was getting O-L-D.
1) What do you do when you have time to yourself?
Erm….what? Time to… myself? Wait, does that happen to mothers?? If so, I sooooo got shafted on my benefits package as the domestic engineer of this household. I thought by growing and popping out humans, I signed away my rights to anything resembling personal space and/or me time. Hmmmmm. Interesting concept. A foreign one, no doubt, but still interesting.
If I had any of this so-called, mythical “free time”, I would sleep. Possibly for days. And I’d watch television shows I wanted to when they were actually on, instead of DVR’ing them for later. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a commercial?!? I actually miss them.
Actually that’s probably all a big fat LIE. The kids will be with their dad this weekend and what’s on my list of things to do? Laundry. Lots of it. And cleaning the bathrooms. And going through the kids’ summer clothes to pack away. And mopping the floor. And rearranging my newly half-vacant closet. So in essence my free time has gone right out the damn window. It’s best I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.
2) When you look out your kitchen window, what do you see?
Outside my window, I see a red bird singin’, sittin’ on a wire Wish I knew what he was thinkin’. Outside my window…
Sorry, anytime I hear that phrase, I get that Sarah Buxton song in my head. It’s a catchy lil’ ditty.
Outside my window, I actually see my dumbass dog and the shit he’s decided to chew up today. I know I say it over and over, but he really is on his last leg as a member of this household. Anybody live on a farm and want a pup? He’s great with the kids but doesn’t like being indoors and looks at my backyard as his own personal chew toy. Just ask my internet cable. And utility box. And sandbox. And siding. And sliding screen door. And gutter extenders. And Dish Network cable. And Little Tikes Swing n’ Slide Castle. And doll stroller. And patio chair. And water table. And grill accessories. And citronella candle. And push toy. And ride on pony. And the fifteen play balls that have all met their demise.
Now that I think about it, that dog really needs to go. Any takers???
3) Who/What would you want to be reincarnated as?
I have absolutely no idea. Can’t I just say myself? Only a thinner, more successful, richer version? I’d also want vibrant, shiny, full, thick hair. And a trust fund.
4) What is your biggest pet peeve about other people’s kids?
Seeing as how I have the whiniest 2 year old known to man, my tolerance level is pretty high. But do you know what pisses me off? Teenagers. God, there are some smug little bastards out there! Wearing their weird skinny jeans and Chuck T’s and other ugly shit from the 80’s that should not have been brought back in ANY decade, let alone this one, sporting Justin Bieber haircuts and pretending their lives suck SO much that they need to be all Emo and frown all the time with their woe-is-me attitude. I took the kids to the park last weekend and there was four of them lounging around ON THE PLAY EQUIPMENT, with a pissed off look on their faces, as if all the tots running around were a nuisance. I shit you not. There was two sitting on the steps, one playing a guitar, while the other had a notebook. I actually heard the following “lyrics” – and I use the term loosely because Lennon and McCartney they were not - “Sitting at the playground, trying to make up a soooong. But it’s so hard because it’s loud and my silence is goooone.” Um, excuse me dumbasses but perhaps you should do your hippie bullshit elsewhere. As if there depressed warbley singing wasn’t enough to make me want to grab their pencil, gouge my eye out, and skull fuck myself, they also had two cohorts laying down – yes LAYING – against the rock climbing wall attempting to draw. I peeked at their page and what were they sketching? Equally depressing weird looking anime crap where everyone was frowning. For the love of all that is good in this world, ride your bikes to a coffeehouse or something. Or go make good use of the REST OF THE QUIET, OPEN SPACE you halfwits!! Eventually I stood off to the side with another parent and though we weren’t discussing them at all (other than a few snide comments), I stole enough glances at them to make anime drawer self conscious and they left. I swear I almost applauded.
5) Regular or Diet Soda?
Diet. And caffeine free. Because I rarely find this when I’m out, I’m not much of a soda drinker. If you ever invite me over (you know you want to, I’m a good time) and are wondering what kind to buy, I prefer Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s oh-so-good.
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