Friday, August 27, 2010

Auto reply: Nic will be out of the office

Well not really. But I am going to internetless for a few days. Five of them to be exact.


What will I do without the world wide web at my finger tips?? I’ve never gone more than 24 hours without playing Bejeweled on Facebook!


DH is transferring our current internet account and I’m switching carriers. I called Tuesday but they were booked for an entire WEEK!! Don’t they know I need my fix?!? Shouldn’t my addiction give me priority? Did they not get the memo about what I have going on this weekend? I need the distraction, people of AT&T!!

Okay, so I have internet access on my Droid. And yeah, it’s pretty damn good so I can get on most of the websites I frequent. And by most I mean all. *Except* I can’t play Bejeweled. Stop the presses. This is a problem. I have a problem.

Going cold turkey can’t be good, can it??

I can already feel the withdrawal symptoms starting.

Le sigh. If you need me, I’ll be rocking in the corner.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


I got offered a job today.

I accepted.

Starting in mid-September, I will no longer be a stay at home mom.

I’m happy.



The thought of not being with my kids every day, all day kills me.

This has been my identity for so long.

My reason for being. MY house. MY kids. MY rules. MY routine.

But I know it is for the best. Financially it is a smart move.

But I’m still sad.

So much change in such a short period of time. 


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Puss in Box




No animals were harmed in the making of this photo. While I may or may not have been the one to put the cat in the box, he was more than welcome to escape leave at his own free will at any time…. which he chose not to do…. for 35 minutes. Besides, the TRY ME! opening totally allowed for oxygen to pass through.

Holding On

When I got married, I told myself we were doing the right thing.

I loved my husband.

I was pregnant.

I believed him when he said our problems would solve themselves.

I silenced the inner voice that told me something wasn’t right.

Maybe it was the fact that I had never imagined my wedding day as a shot gun ceremony, thrown together in less than a week, and kept secret from everyone.

Maybe it was because I wanted to shout to the world that I was a WIFE, that somebody was my HUSBAND and instead we stayed mum and pretended to only be engaged in an effort to include everyone in our big, white wedding ceremony planned for 11 months later.

Regardless of the doubts, I loved him. God, I loved that man. And so I hung on.

Whatever it was – or wasn’t – I remember being whole heartedly blissfully happy after we said our I Do’s. I was married to the man I loved, we had a baby on the way… what more could I ask for?

If I’m being honest though, things weren’t all that blissful in our relationship. Now that our divorce is imminent, I’ve found myself dissecting it, piece by piece, month by month, year by year, trying to find where the problems started. Somewhere there had to be a leak, a crack in the foundation that spread and festered and infected Us until we crumbled.

DH and I had a very passionate relationship. We met on New Year’s Eve, started dating on Valentine’s Day, and thanks to a tornado that blew down half my house, were living together by St. Patrick’s Day. By Easter I’d met his parents and by Memorial Day he left for Iraq. I wonder sometimes if it wasn’t for those big events, the tornado and the deployment, if we would have loved as hard and as fiercely as we had.

Before he went to Iraq, we were together constantly, completely wrapped up in each other. We were – and are - two very different people. We used to laugh about the opposites attract cliché. I am social, I love people, I loved going out with my friends, happiest when I’m with a group laughing. I had a huge circle of people I hung out with and never went a day without something to do. My husband is the opposite. A very small group of friends, not very social, happiest to sit by himself. The things I enjoyed – concerts, the bars where everyone danced, the nights where my friends and I just hung out and played board games – were far from his idea of fun. I am more adaptable, more go with the flow, the one who would compromise – or bend, perhaps – to keep the peace. Yes, there were tons of times we went and did the things he claimed to hate. But once we were living together and he flat out refused to go, more often than not I stayed home with him, did what he wanted to do. That’s not to say he asked me to stay, that I was a prisoner or that I resented him for it because that’s not how it was at all. Looking back now, I don’t even think I realized (or minded) the pattern I was setting because I just wanted to be with him. Cuddling on the couch watching Ali G reruns was a change from what I was used to, but whatever we did together was great because we were just that – together. In a matter of months, I became one of “those girls” I hated without even knowing it was happening.

When he came back from his summer deployment, we were so happy to see each other that things were at an all time high. I couldn’t get enough of him and vice versa. I can honestly say that the month after he returned was probably the best of the entire five years we were together. We took weekend getaways, a vacation, went to baseball games, and hung out with friends. I had fun, I was head over heels with somebody who got me, made me laugh, and best of all, was head over heels for me too.

But things changed. The new wore off. The arguments increased. But I loved him. So I hung on.

The invitations with friends gradually dwindled away and when I did accept, I was so annoyed with the bombardment of where are you going, who are you going with, how much are you going to drink, when are you going to be home questions, that more often than not, it wasn’t even worth the night out. I went from an independent, do what I want and to hell with all of you girl to a love sick puppy. I felt like I lost myself. Reading this you’re probably thinking he was being controlling. Honestly though, I don’t see it as that. I was never told where I could and couldn’t go, wasn’t fearful to accept an invite. In contrast, he often encouraged me to go do things with my friends. I just figured in the grand scheme of things, a night out wasn’t worth the headache of an argument so I just didn’t go. Does that make any sense?

As is the cycle, things got good again. Awesome in fact. I think the best way to describe our relationship was that when it was good, it was great and when it was bad, well….. we fought and we fought hard. Both of us stubborn, both of us wanting the last word. He knew what to say to hurt me and I was the queen of the smart ass zingers. Although we planned on getting married, there were several times we considered calling things off. But since I loved him, I hung on.

I truly believe if we hadn’t been living together that we would have split. But I also truly believe that God had a plan and that things happen for a reason. And His plan for us, the purpose of our entire relationship, was to have the two beautiful children we do. When I look back on everything, I can’t regret him and I never will. Regretting him would mean regretting my kids.

It became apparent the fall after Nut was born that we were not happy. At least not in regards to each other. We were over the moon with our daughter, how could we not be, but as a unit, as husband and wife, something was astray. There were promises to change on both our parts. Promises were broken. There was talk of separating, talk of who would get this and that. The talk stopped. Because I loved him….. I held on.

Gradually, things did get a little better. I got pregnant with Bug a few months later. And then things fell apart again. The arguments were an almost daily occurrence, the snipping at each other, the criticizing, the nit picking, the disdain, the tension. I could feel it all the time. It was like having a weight on my chest. The things I wanted to say I kept to myself, let the anger boil my blood. When I finally did open my mouth to voice my frustration, it was an all out war. I was bitter, I was resentful, and I was PISSED.

Because of this, I tried to avoid the fighting, swallowed my pride and just held on. The damage was done though. It was us, it was what we did, how we worked. I realized I hated it, hated the up and down cycle. That wasn’t how a marriage was supposed to work. Yes there was going to be good times and bad, but the latter shouldn’t outweigh the other. We both deserved more. Better. We stopped sleeping in the same bed last July. After Bug was born in August, I told DH we had a year to change things, a year to finally make it better, or I was done. I took my wedding ring off in October and haven’t worn it since. I checked out. I was already done. I was tired of feeling like I lived my life walking on eggshells, tired of not being happy. We both readily admitted we were miserable and didn’t want to be together so why drag things out?

This is not to say the last year has not been hell on me. On both of us really. It is very hard to try to explain our split to people who haven’t been here in our shoes. It wasn’t a knee jerk reaction to a few arguments here and there. It’s not a phase. It won’t get better. We’re not just at a low point. We were holding on tight for long enough…but now it is time to let go.


Mama's Losin' It

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Okay, the last three things in my title have absolutely NOTHING to do with... well, anything but I was on an acronym roll and couldn't stop. One of those days already.


Now go link up. All of you. I dealt with shitty Blogger instead of my beloved MSN Live Writer so I could hyperlink the photos and my blood is boiling at how effed up this stupid program is. So please appease me and participate. Remember the PMS? I'm a women on the edge!

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Sniffle and a Smile

Coming to you from my own weird state of Momminess today…. am I the only freak of nature that cries on her kids’ birthdays??? Even if I am, someone just humor me and say no. It is unfortunate that I PMS like a lunatic right around the celebration time but what can ya do? Let me just clear off my mound of tissues here so I can take you all back a year…. queue the sad music, maestro.



::sniffle:: Oh my God, he was so TINY! Wook at da widdle peanut! Isn’t he just da cutest widdle baby ev… Whoa. Slipped into baby talk there. Snap out of it, Nic!

Hard to believe we went from 6 lbs, 10 oz of squishy newborn to this 23 lb chunker of a little man:


And although he wasn’t born until 9:20 pm….


Happy 1st





Love, Mommy

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Birthday for Bug

I can hardly believe that my little man turns 1 tomorrow. It seems like I wished away so much of his first year with my prayers that he grow out of his colic stage, his milk allergy stage, his constant crying phase, his Nocturnal Baby stage, his overly excessive pooing stage, his…. well, you get the point. Little man had a rough start and although it has been well over a year since I have slept through the night, I wouldn’t trade him for the world. If they ever invent Baby Ambien though, I’d still offer him up for the clinical trials…just so long as I got him back at the end of the day of course.

Yesterday we celebrated the Big One with friends and family. I was nervous that our cookout would get rained out – biblical type flooding in my basement AGAIN late Friday night, GRRRRRR – but the weather held up and we had a great time. As much as I want to touch on the weirdness I felt telling my in-laws good bye, as if there was a sense of finality in those hugs, I won’t. At least not yet. This is happy post weekend, remember?? And because I have been a picture postin’ fool the last week, the required photos:

IMG_4178 DSC02031

DSC02033IMG_4182 DSC02059 DSC02052DSC02060 IMG_4228 

The last one is my very favorite, he is definitely wearing a holy shit look. Every time we were at Target the last few months – and okay, we all know that is a lot – he was mesmerized by the overpriced robotic  Buzz Lightyear they had on display. Since we were kind of at a loss as to what to get the baby whose favorite toys are electrical cords and the garbage can, DH decided he needed the Buzz. I really truly think Bug was in shock when he opened it. I’m sure he’ll be in shock again if he’s ever allowed to play with. Nut has high jacked it, currently the two are taking a nap together, convinced that it is real. She keeps responding to Buzz’s questions  -“Are you still there? “Yeah, Buzz. I here. I payin’ wit the farm.” – and offering him snacks. Last night she was in the kitchen and said, “C’mon Buzz. Walk in here pease!” I’m not sure how to explain to her he is just a toy. She has watched Toy Story so much, she’ll probably think I’m lying. Oh well. It’s at least entertaining to watch.

I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be extra weepy (and probably spend the better part of my day sniffling over Bug’s newborn pics) but I’ll survive. Little guy still has one more gift to open – a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe – which means his sis still has one more gift to steal.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

A Healthy Dose of Happy

This post is going to be a hodgepodge of things that made me happy over the last few days. I know next week is going to suck and as a forewarning, I will be mopey as hell, so this weekend is all about things that put a smile on my face. Literally. It’s mostly pictures. And most of them were taken by my friend Amy, who I am so glad is up for a visit right now. We have been friends since since we were freshman in high school and while I hate that another mom had to go through the colicky, milk allergy, cry nonstop, non-sleeping, acid reflux, little turd of a baby too, I am soooo thankful I had someone in the same boat. We became our own little support group and I swear that was the only way I got through those hellacious first six months with my sanity (mostly) intact. She’s really been a lifeline for me the last year and I know I’m lucky to have a friend like that.

Why do I feel like I was giving some sort of acceptance speech? Oh well. Moving on… pictures at the park!

DSC01704   DSC01761 DSC01858 DSC01768  DSC01896DSC01852 DSC01788


Amy and the kids stayed the night that night, which meant the mamas hit up the wine bottle(s) after they bambinos were snoozing. And hit them up we did…


And now, because I like laughing at myself, I give you my future online dating site profile picture. Please try to contain yourself at the hotness:


That’s right, I *heart* you. The suitors should be lining up outside my door after that. Take a number boys, take a number.

Coming tomorrow…pics of Bug’s 1st birtday party ::sniffle::!!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Meat Parfait

Yesterday my friend and I took our kids, plus one I babysit, to the Illinois State Fair. That made for two adults, five kids under 4, and 90 degree weather. I thought I was going to have a fricking heat stroke after pushing 60 pounds of children around in that damn big rig of a double stroller I own for five hours. I can’t complain too much though; they were all surprisingly well behaved and had a great time. The only downer was that I was too damn hot to properly graze my fat ass through the food vendors like we had planned. Vinegar fries for breakfast and a corn dog for lunch and I was about to puke. I dreamt about the cheese on a stick I didn’t get the whole drive home. Oh well. One thing I wasn’t sad I missed was chocolate covered bacon ::gag:: heave::puke in my mouth:: and this thing called a Meat Parfait. In theory, it probably wouldn’t taste all that bad (layers of  barbequed pulled pork or brisket and mashed potatoes, complete with drizzled barbeque sauce and a cherry -tomato that is- on top) but just the presentation icked me out. And the name. It sounds dirty. Like you’re in a bar and some skeeze ball walks up and says, “hey baby, you want some of my meat parfait?”  I Googled it and came across this Chicago Tribune article. It has a picture too since I know you’re all DYING to put an image to the name.

This outing was the first time in many, many years that my state fair activities involved something more than walking in, going to concerts, going to the beer tents, and drunk eating my way back out. The kiddos slid down a fire pole, ooh’ed and awe’d  over farm animals, and petted some furry (and one slimy) friends. For your viewing pleasure, a small photo montage:



 The bestie from TN was due 2 days after me, although I was induced 2.5 weeks before she was. We’re always so excited to see the babies together and they always disappoint by ignoring each other.




Bug’s first taste of vinegar fries. He LOVED ‘em. I forgive him for not liking cake now. If he liked the way I had those puppies swimming in vinegar, he’s definitely my child.

IMG_4103 Mini donuts are yuuuuuuumo

IMG_4123  A Vose’s corndog. Best.corndogs.EVER. And I consider myself a connoisseur so my corndog word is Word. 


dIMG_4113 Nut’s boyfriend might be a future fireman.

IMG_4134She poked the frog in his eye right after this pic.


IMG_4148 Freshly painted face, riding the train. She was ecstatic.


IMG_4151  I wanted to do the same thing by the end of the day.

I was so wiped out by the time we got home, it was a struggle to stay awake after we got home. The kids napped and I sat in a daze, staring at the TV but not really watching what was on. I’d say it was all worth it though, I needed a fun day like that to put a smile on my face.

I’m still wondering if I can finagle another trip out there for that stupid cheese on a stick though…..

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: My Lil’ Slugger

Armed with my trust $3.99 portrait sheet coupon, we went to my home-away-from-home last night, Target, for some one year pics of Bug. Hard to believe in just five short days, my baby will be no longer be a baby. Two toddlers. Lord help me. But I digress. Just wanted to share a couple of cute photos of my little guy, to hopefully brighten up the depressing mood around this place from yesterday….


This one is my favorite. He’s cutting his 1 year molars and wasn’t in the best mood, but he cooperated for a bit…



My little slugger…I    figure he’ll be on the Cardinals’ roster about 2030.


My other favorite.




 And then of course the required cupcake shots. Get this though – my kid doesn’t like cake. What the..?!?! If it wasn’t for the fact that he looks a lot like my youngest brother, I’d cry foul that he was switched at birth.



Mostly he just sat in it.  But whatever. It’s his birthday and he can do what he wants to…






I know these pictures aren’t the best quality but I snagged ‘em off the studio website; I’m too impatient to wait for my order to be processed in the meantime. One of my best friends – and a great photographer – is in town this week so I’m hoping the weather holds out and we can go take some more candid shots of both kids in the park this evening. Coming to a blog near you soon…

Go link up for some more Wordless Wednesday fun over at The Life of Rylie...and Bryce too!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Little Goodbyes

Over a week and no post from me. Sigh. I’m back in a state of writer’s block.  I just can’t slow my mind down enough to write and I HATE that. Writing has always been my way of calming myself down, but lately I can’t even do that. If you read my guest post last weekend on The Life of Rylie...and Bryce too! then you can understand why I’m a bit…frazzled. As the move date gets closer and closer, my stress level goes up and up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not second guessing our decision or having reservations about it. It is time. It is right. But it is still hard. This weekend, we will be celebrating Bug’s 1st birthday with our families. The last weekend my children will live with both sets of parents as a unit. I can’t help but think it’s good we will at least be going out on a good note. Cake, presents, good food, good friends… our last Saturday as a family of four will be nothing short of fun. A bittersweet fun for me, but fun fun nonetheless. 

As the weeks since DH signed his lease on an apartment – ironically enough on our third wedding anniversary – have passed and The Date has loomed closer, I have found myself looking back on our relationship. A picture here and there I stumble upon that makes me laugh. A bib that says “I Love Daddy”, the first baby item I ever bought when I found out I was pregnant, that makes me cry. How different we were then. How much promise I saw in our lives together. I guess I am in mourning for what was and what I had hoped would be. I am sad about the loss of a friend, because even though we argue and butt heads (a lot) and no longer love each other as husband and wife, he is the person that knows me best. It is odd to think that in a little over a week, I will have lost that. I joke to him that he will no longer have to pretend to care what I babble about. He jokes that I will no longer have to listen to him rant. Though we are ready for this marriage to begin its journey to the end, I know we are in for an adjustment.  Life as I have known it is changing and I’m just… sad.

Sad. That’s really the only word I have to describe it. I wonder what it will be like when he leaves. I try to envision him packing his things up, loading them into his car, and driving away. I asked him last night if he was staying in his apartment the first night he has the keys. It was such a stupid question, I know, and the look he responded with let me know he was thinking the same thing. “Why wouldn’t I? The point of moving out is to move out.”  I guess I have gotten accustomed to moving being a two day event but as he pointed out, he doesn’t have as much to move this time around. I think about random things, how it will be weird to open the bathroom medicine cabinet and see his half empty. How I will have to rearrange the shower shelves now that his will be vacant. I keep thinking of the SheDaisy song, “Little Goodbyes”. Not so much the lyrics (they’re more on the humorous side), just the meaning behind the title. Little Goodbyes. I know I will be slapped in the face with them when I’m least expecting it. Out of habit, will I try to go to DH’s dresser to steal one of his t-shirts to wear to bed? When I open the dryer, will I hold my breath like I do now, hoping he didn’t leave clothes in there (pet peeve)? Will I yell for him to come get the baby out of the bath so I can finish rinsing Nut’s hair? When the kid’s toys need batteries, will I walk out to the garage to get a screwdriver before I remember his tool chest is gone? Piddley things. Mundane things. But I wonder nonetheless. I won’t have to buy Doritos anymore. I’ll never have Coke in the fridge. I can make meatloaf without anyone complaining.  I’ll have to get up early in the winter to shovel snow. If I hear a noise in the backyard, I’ll have to investigate myself. I won’t be forced to watch college football, which I secretly enjoy. Who will eat the leftovers from dinner? I’ll be the last one to bed every night.  All of it, another reminder, another little goodbye. I know it will get better, I really do, I just wish I could fast forward through the shitty parts.

Friday, August 6, 2010

I Play Well With Others... really.

If you're looking for me today, I'm at a playdate! LeeAnn from The Life of Rylie....and Bryce too! invited me over to play. Don't worry though, you can all come because it's a virtual playdate. Pretty nifty, huh? If it were a real playdate, I'm sure LeeAnn and I would already be half sloshed on wine; we both are riding out the Terrible 2's (emphasis on the Terrible)and well, it's 5:00 somewhere, right? Head on over and check out what came spilling out of my mouth and while you're there, check out LeeAnn's fabulous blog. I promise you'll love it - and her.

Scooby Dooby…Don’t.

Dear Kraft,

While my toddler was THRILLED beyond measure to find her latest obsession in macaroni form, I leave the meal feeling a bit disturbed.


Those dog bone shaped noodles so nicely illustrated on the box? Yeah, those don’t hold up so well during cooking. Imagine my surprise at dinner when my two year held up her spoon, asked, “Mama, what’s this??” and shoved the following in my face:


Is it just me, Kraft, or do those dog bones look a wee bit phallic when split in two (which they all inevitably did during boiling)? You might want to pass on to the product development folks that the bone noodles are a definite Scooby Dooby Don’t.


A Mother Wondering Why I Fed My Kids Penis Pasta

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: Oops

Warning: Look closely before you grab the Nestle syrup out of the fridge and squeeze it into your toddler’s milk.


These two bottles may look similar but produce very different results. 


Honey mustard milk, anyone? Whoops.

Nut’s reaction?


Mama needs some more sleep, I think.