Thursday, September 23, 2010

Verbal Butt Pees

Week number two of work is winding down. That’s weird to say. Work. Maybe in a month it won’t seem so foreign to me. One thing I am pretty sure of is the novelty will have worn off by then and I’ll remember why I was so bajiggity to stay home in the first place.

Namely here is my one issue – besides missing my babies of course -  with being a working mom:

The whole job thing really puts the kibosh on activities I enjoy.

Like catching up on shitty reality shows on DVR while the kids nap. And blogging. And reading blogs for that matter. I opened up my Google Reader tonight and I had 763 new entries to read. What the shit?? I go to work where I can’t even open up a damn link to the weather and you people are all out here writing prose fifteen times a day. I have performance anxiety over the whole thing now, so thanks overachievers.

I have been trying to catch up the past few nights but just when I think I have it under control, I sign off for 24 hours, come back, and you biotches have added another 300 posts. Call me nuts but I actually read everyone I follow. I feel guilty if I don’t. Is that weird? Probably.

In another random news I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about ( because I know you were all wondering), I’m STILL COUGHING. It’s gotten to the point of being fucking ridiculous. I’m on day 26. No lie. My chest hurts, my sides hurt, I keep pissing my pants… I’m over it. Last night I Googled --- cuz you guys know how much I love to Google shit – the following: Can coughing damage your bladder? That was shortly followed by Lasting incontinence + violent coughing, and lastly my personal fave, Can you cough out your bladder?

Oddly I did not find any concrete answers. The only silver lining in my recent adventures in involuntary self-urination  is that after many instances of trial and error, I’ve finally discovered a way to combat the issue . In an ode to female solidarity, I feel I should share the secret with you: Overnight Maxi Pads. Oh yes. Like a big giant diaper. But I don’t just use one. Oh no, not with the amount of water I drink. I double bag that shit. Two pads. I overlap ‘em so I get extra coverage in the middle  but due to their erm…large presence, I basically wind up with a pad from my belly button to my ass crack. Sure it ain’t pretty (or okay, really all that comfortable), but no pain, no gain, and I’ll take waddling around with a fucking jerry rigged diaper on over pissing my pants any day. And just because I’ve already crossed jumped took a flying leap over the TMI line, let me also point out that I’m currently being visited from AF at the moment too. So not only do I the sanitary napkin equivalent of a roll of Bounty paper towels  chafing my lady bits, I also get the pleasure of trying not to get my tampon string stuck in a God damned Always wing.

Needless to say, I’m ready for winter to come and kill off all the shit that’s making me cough. Hear that, Mother Nature? 95 on the first day of Autumn today was some bullshit. BULLSHIT. Take note please. I’d like to make it to October without pissing out my bladder.


Whew. I feel a bit better after that rant. Since I’m incapable of taking deep calming breaths, bitching seems to be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe I can actually sleep now.

Until the coughing starts again of course.


Catch ya’ll on the flipside, I’m sure by the time I punch my password back into Google tomorrow, you’ll have all written thesis papers or something.  To distract yourself from furthering my “I’m not good enough” feelings, go check out the fabu  Mrs. Mootz over at a{museing} mommy... on a pink park bench. I get the pleasure of guest posting there today (tomorrow, whatever, it’s close enough to Friday) so if the mental image of me in my Maxi Pad Splendor hasn’t scared you off, click HERE and go read some more of my randomness.

And if you’re feeling all clicky happy, why not go pretty please throw me a *VOTE*too? Sure I may smell like your Depends-wearing senile relative in the nursing home, but at least I’ll stay in the top 10 for funnies, right?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Goooo Cawdnals!

Wow, two posts in a row. Thank you, steroids!! Last Wednesday night,whatever you want to call it since it’s now officially after midnight, marked Nut’s annual trip to a St. Louis Cardinals game. For those who haven’t figured it out, we’re diehards in this house so I’m excited I get to pass the obsession love on to my kids even if I do think the team has given me an ulcer this year. Last night was doubly exciting since it was her very first Cub/Cardinal game.  Too bad they lost. Horribly. As I expected. I need my Tums now.

But I digress. I think the medicine has given me some sort of temporary ADD also because I can’t focus for the life of me. Nut absolutely loved it. When we got close enough to STL to see The Arch, she started bouncing in her seat yelling, “Baseball, Mama! Go Cawdnals! Hit da bawl!” I guess since you can see it in the background when they play, she recognized it from TV.  I just couldn’t go to bed tonight without sharing some pics of Nut’s first three games:

September 2008. 6 months old.



September 2009. 18 months old. 



September 2010. 2.5 years old.



I can’t believe how big she’s gotten!!  And just for fun, here’s some cute ones of her enjoying – which she did, let me tell you – the game:

IMG_4362 IMG_4364

IMG_4368 IMG_4350IMG_4357


ps: In case you’re wondering why Bug is absent from these photos… well, you’ve read my stories, would you take his squirrely ass somewhere he has to sit still? He can’t even make it three minutes, let alone three hours!!! By next year he should (hopefully) be calmed down enough to go. If not, there’s always HD, little buddy. Just like being there except you’re free to run around the house.

A Little Work, A Lot of Coughing

How has it been a WEEK since I last posted?!? I cannot believe how busy I am now that I have started working  again. For the bloggers that work full time, have kids, and still post a lot – you are super women! Seriously. Hell, even if you don’t have kids and you work and post I’m impressed because ::yawn:: all I want to do at the end of the day is sit on my ass.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For reals.  I get up at 6:30, take a shower, towel dry my hair, brush my teeth, put on makeup, get dressed, wake up Nut, get her dressed, turn the TV on for her, get her milk and some breakfast, blow dry and do my hair, wake up Bug, get him dressed, get him some milk and breakfast, get them loaded in the car and dropped off at my mom’s all before 7:30. Yeah. I get tired thinking about the fact that I have to do that routine all over again in oh….. 6.5 hours.

I’m happy to report they are doing GREAT at my mom’s though, although  I do think I am sensing some resentment towards me. They are happy as clams to see when I walk in… for a total of maybe  five minutes and then the whining kicks in. It continues as I’m strapping them in their car seats, during the entire drive home, and then the entire time I try to fix dinner. Generally they will take a break long enough to eat their supper and then waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh all over again through bath and bedtime routine.  I think it’s their way of telling me they’re pissed.

As for work, it’s going well. Or at least as well as four days worth of computer based HIPAA training can go. I am a speed reader though so I tend to be the first to finish and we can’t move on until the whole class is done. That can get a bit monotonous. I sat yesterday for hours. Literally. I met some fun girls that sit near me luckily so we’re keeping one another entertained as best we can. My only issue is that I can’t stop coughing. No, really. I cough all fucking day long. And then I cough some more. And oh wait, just when you look at a clock and think Gee, tuberculosis over there hasn’t coughed in five minutes, I then hack some more. Like a cat with a damn hairball. Raking, whole body coughs that cause me to gag and more often than not, piss myself. Thank you lasting souvenir from child birth. Panty liners are a girl’s – or a least a girl that had two kids in 18 months and pees herself if the wind blows wrong – best friend.

Not to be old and bitch about my health… well okay, that’s a lie because I’m going to…. but I am still feeling shitty from when I got sick at the end of August. I finally got in with my allergist tonight and it turns out I’m not even sick. What.the.hell. All it is is asthma. I’ve never had my asthma bother me like this, usually it just flairs up if I actually am sick. But this? Nah. Apparently ragweed – which is the thing I am most allergic too – is at an all time record high. Oh yay. Isn’t that lucky?!? What is it the youngin’s say; FML? Yeah. FML. Suck it allergies. Suck it weeds. Su—erm.

What was I saying?

Oh yes. The allergist. True to his usually medicine happy self, I was given a steroid shot, an IV drip of steroids, AND a breathing treatment filled with – you guessed it! – more steroids! I was also given a high dose of Prednisone (yet again, a steroid) and instructions to take 4-6 puffs of my inhaler ever 3 hours as needed. Holy hell. This was all after 6pm; it’s 12:15 right now and I’m high as a flippin’ kite. My face is tingling. Literally. I have so many steroids coursing through my veins, I’m too buzzy to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m exhausted, I just can’t calm down.

On a very random side note… do you think I’ll get Roid Rage? Hmmmm….

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The next American Idol


My kid’s a rock star. A sideways rock star since Mommy is an idiot and can’t remember to turn her phone the right way to take video, but a rock star nonetheless. And yes – Bug’s real name is Reid. I’ve managed to unveil his secret identity in the process of showcasing his talent. Epic fail!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

(Not-So) Wordless Wednesday: Preschool!

Well I made it through yesterday’s 1st day of preschool without as much of an emotional breakdown as I thought. I guess the fact that my daughter could not have cared less that I was leaving helped dry the tears. Seriously. She skipped to the car, wouldn’t even stand still to take a picture:

preschool That’s a look of sheer excitement, huh? Traitor.

Babbled alllll the way there, practically sprinted across the parking lot. Gave me The Look when I delayed her descent down the steps for more pictures:

preschool3 Picture? Bitch, please.


And when we got the room, she just walked off and left me. No hug, no kiss, no please-don’t-leave-me-Mommy:

preschool2 Salt in the wound, CHILD I GREW, salt in the wound…

When I went to tell her goodbye, my eyes welled up with tears.

Mommy’s gonna go now, okay? I’ll be back later. You have fun and be a good girl. I love you, Princess.”

Very Hallmark Movie moment. Until she replied.

Wook, Mama! I got a chicken! Bawk bawk bawk!”

Gee thanks.  Couldn’t she have thrown me a bone and at least pretended she wasn’t pumped to be there?

Le sigh.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Misc Monday: Cloudy with a chance of tears

Miscellany Monday @ lowercase letters



(one) Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end of my stint as a stay at home mama. It is also Nut’s first day of preschool. Conditions are favorable for me blubbering like a baby.

(two)  Saturday was spent on a road trip up near Chicago to hit up Ikea. Not because I was planning on buying anything, mind you, but because I wanted to see if I liked a couch as much in person as I do in the catalog (PS: I do. Maybe more.) While there, I decided to utilize the GPS on my Droid to get from Home Furnishing Heaven to the mall. I was pretty impressed as my phone immediately pinpointed my location and began spewing out directions: Go straight 400 feet. Turn right on Golf Rd. Turn Left in 500 feet….. Yeah, I looked up and the mall was literally ACROSS THE STREET. I felt like a dumbass.

(three) Thanks to the ol’ TCP discount – as well as their Labor Day sales – I picked this cute little number up for Nut today:


Not for Halloween, mind you, just because…. well I don’t know why. Because I have Mommy guilt about my impending job perhaps? Because she is spoiled? Because I can’t walk into that store without buying something? Regardless of the reason, she looks pretty stinkin’ cute in it, no? Boots and all.

That’s all I have for today. I’m tired and burnt out on doing anything that requires more brainpower than sitting on my couch in a daze. Luckily for me,  the RHONJ reunion (part 2) is about to start. Let the brain rotting commence!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Things that make ya go poo

I’m not sure what is causing my stomach to feel like it’s rotting from the inside out, but I’ve narrowed it down to three possible suspects: All the Sudafed, all the Pumpkin Spice lattes, or all the Prednisone.

I have been poppin’ the Sudafed like they were Pez for the last week; no problems. I mixed in the Prednisone Wednesday night; no problems (aside from acting like a fricking psycho). I mix both with a grande PSL yesterday; whooooaaaa buddy. I swear my intestines were attempting to break out of my body in an effort to wrap themselves around my neck and strangle me

I have a sneaking suspicion the culprit in the trifecta may be the lattes, but I’m living in denial. And by sneaking suspicion, I mean I’m pretty durn convinced. And by living in denial, I mean I’m still going to go run by Starbucks tomorrow morning. And by run, of course, I mean drive. Because I’m lazy. And my stomach hurts too bad to actually do any physical activity.

See, here’s the thing about Starbucks coffee: It makes me poop. It don’t know what it is. I’ve Googled it (seriously. I Google everything.), but every  thing I read points to the caffeine in it being a stimulant. I don’t drink caffeine. My lattes are decaf. What mystery ingredient makes me have to go??

After careful research (i.e. another trip through the drive-thru this evening) and successful, albeit unpleasant  results, I think I finally figured out the reason why:

My mind starts analyzing the fact that I spent $4.71 on flavored milk with a shot of coffee in it and flips out.

$5.00 on coffee? AGAIN?!? Are you SHITTING me, Nic?!?

Why now that you mention it, yes, yes I am.


Friday, September 3, 2010

5Q Friday: At least the dog's not Emo.

Ugh. Septemeber is here and it brought with it my allergies (damn you, cornfields and ragweed!!), cooler weather, Pumpkin Spice lattes (I'm obsessed with them. Really.), and of course an illness or two. Or actually three, since the kids and I are all sick. If I was a man, I'd whine and tell you I was dying, but since I'm a woman, I'll just bitch about it. Upper respiratory infection and laryngitis. Seriously. C'mon immune system. Do your job! My head is so congested, I can't hear, can't taste, and can't breathe. I'm popping Sudafed like candy, Robutusin for the cough, my inhalor for the chest crud, aaaannnd my favorite (ha), Prednisone for the.. well, I don't know what. Because I went to the urgent care clinic and asked for a steroid shot to clear me out and they refused, I suppose. I wish my allergist was in the office 24/7. He woulda stuck in the hip, patted me on the head, and sent me on my merry way. Wait. That sounded kinda dirty, didn't it? Well you know what I mean. I hate taking Prednisone because it makes me a RAGING LUNATIC. Hello, PMS in a pill? I'm hungry, I'm irritable, and I'm wound up. I guess if I had to get sick, it's better to do it now instead of after I start my job, right? Right.

Moving on... time for a lil' 5 Question Friday with Mama M! Who’s excited??? I know I am, because that whole bitch/moan/complain thing about my plague was getting O-L-D.


1) What do you do when you have time to yourself?

Erm….what? Time to… myself? Wait, does that happen to mothers?? If so, I sooooo got shafted on my benefits package as the domestic engineer of this household. I thought by growing and popping out humans, I signed away my rights to anything resembling personal space and/or me time. Hmmmmm. Interesting concept. A foreign one, no doubt, but still interesting.

If I had any of this so-called, mythical “free time”, I would sleep. Possibly for days. And I’d watch television shows I wanted to when they were actually on, instead of DVR’ing them for later. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a commercial?!? I actually miss them.

Actually that’s probably all a big fat LIE. The kids will be with their dad this weekend and what’s on my list of things to do? Laundry. Lots of it. And cleaning the bathrooms. And going through the kids’ summer clothes to pack away. And mopping the floor. And rearranging my newly half-vacant closet. So in essence my free time has gone right out the damn window. It’s best I didn’t even know such a thing existed. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

2) When you look out your kitchen window, what do you see?

Outside my window, I see a red bird singin’, sittin’ on a wire Wish I knew what he was thinkin’.                                                     Outside my window… 

Sorry, anytime I hear that phrase, I get that Sarah Buxton song in my head. It’s a catchy lil’ ditty.

Outside my window, I actually see my dumbass dog and the shit he’s decided to chew up today. I know I say it over and over, but he really is on his last leg as a member of this household. Anybody live on a farm and want a pup? He’s great with the kids but doesn’t like being indoors and looks at my backyard as his own personal chew toy. Just ask my internet cable. And utility box. And sandbox. And siding. And sliding screen door. And gutter extenders. And Dish Network cable. And Little Tikes Swing n’ Slide Castle. And doll stroller. And patio chair. And water table. And grill accessories. And citronella candle. And push toy. And ride on pony. And the fifteen play balls that have all met their demise.

Now that I think about it, that dog really needs to go. Any takers???

3) Who/What would you want to be reincarnated as?

I have absolutely no idea. Can’t I just say myself? Only a thinner, more successful, richer version? I’d also want vibrant, shiny, full, thick hair. And a trust fund.

4) What is your biggest pet peeve about other people’s kids?

Seeing as how I have the whiniest 2 year old known to man, my tolerance level is pretty high. But do you know what pisses me off? Teenagers. God, there are some smug little bastards out there!  Wearing their weird skinny jeans and Chuck T’s and other ugly shit from the 80’s that should not have been brought back in ANY decade, let alone this one, sporting Justin Bieber haircuts and pretending their lives suck SO much that they need to be all  Emo and frown all the time with their woe-is-me attitude. I took the kids to the park last weekend and there was four of them lounging around ON THE PLAY EQUIPMENT, with a pissed off look on their faces, as if all the tots running around were a nuisance. I shit you not. There was two sitting on the steps, one playing a guitar, while the other had a notebook. I actually heard the following “lyrics” – and I use the term loosely because Lennon and McCartney they were not - “Sitting at the playground, trying to make up a soooong. But it’s so hard because it’s loud and my silence is goooone.”  Um, excuse me dumbasses but perhaps you should do your hippie bullshit elsewhere. As if there depressed warbley singing wasn’t enough to make me want to grab their pencil, gouge my eye out, and skull fuck myself, they also had two cohorts laying down – yes LAYING – against the rock climbing wall attempting to draw. I peeked at their page and what were they sketching? Equally depressing weird looking anime crap where everyone was frowning. For the love of all that is good in this world, ride your bikes to a coffeehouse or something. Or go make good use of the REST OF THE QUIET, OPEN SPACE you halfwits!! Eventually I stood off to the side with another parent and though we weren’t discussing them at all (other than a few snide comments), I stole enough glances at them to make anime drawer self conscious and they left. I swear I almost applauded.

5) Regular or Diet Soda?

Diet. And caffeine free. Because I rarely find this when I’m out, I’m not much of a soda drinker.  If you ever invite me over (you know you want to, I’m a good time) and are wondering what kind to buy, I prefer Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s oh-so-good.

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

Where to begin…

I keep asking myself that question. As you all know, I’ve had a busy busy crazy weird last few days. But you know what? I’m okay. Maybe reality hasn’t sunk in all the way, maybe I’m in denial…. or maybe, just maybe I really am okay. Whatever it is, I am feeling at peace and taking a whatever will be, will be approach to my life. If you know me IRL, you know optimism isn’t exactly my strong point. But I’m trying. And it’s working.

Keeping in that spirit, I’m going to do my first ever Thankful Thursday post. It is Thursday, right?…. :: checks calendar:: Yes, Thursday. And ps: How is it already September?!?!?  Sigh.

Things I am thankful for the last week:

* My kids. As much as they drive me batty with their antics, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I had my first evening away from them last night and it.sucked. It was quiet in the house and I had NO idea what to do with myself from 6:30-8:00, when I would normally be in the midst of the bedtime routine. Love the chaos, love the noise, love my babies.

* Friends that were there for me over the weekend. That aforementioned bff from TN? Yeah, she rocks. And is my rock at times. Luv ya, lady. :)

* The old woman at Target who took it upon herself to tell Nut she knew Santa and would pass on the message that she had been a good girl all year. **coughcoughyeahright** After that, my 2 year old handed over the $50 Jessie doll she was carrying around (convinced I was buying it no matter how many times I’d told her no) without so much as a whimper, just so that “Mrs. Clause” could take it to the North Pole. God bless that woman! Every time Nut’s thrown a fit for something since, I mention one Mr. S. Clause and she immediately stops.

* That I got a job. I HATE that I’m leaving my kids – all of ‘em, even the two I babysit – but I am SO thankful I was able to not only get the offer in today’s economy but that I did so after not working (besides my p/t retail gig) for so long.  It boosted my confidence, lemme tell ya  - not to mention my checkbook.

* Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Oh, Starbucks how I love you and your overpriced refreshments. Now if the weather would just cooperate enough for me to switch from the iced decaf to the hot, frothy one, I would be in heaven. Take note, Mother Nature. I’m ready for fall.


I just noticed I have 99 followers. 99!!!  Just one away from triple digits! In honor of the momentous occasion, I’ve decided to do a GIVEAWAY!!! That’s right! If I get just one more follower, taking the number to the big 100, I’ll give…..

myself a trip to the hair salon!!!!!


Wait, did you think I was going to give you all something??

Yeah, no sorry. I’m on a budget, people.

And my hair is bad. Really bad.


I mean, just look at that! The roots! Ugh. Excuse the weird bald spot I have going on. It was roughly around 136 degrees out and my hair was sweaty and laying in a weird way. Also, I hadn’t washed it in two days. Obviously, I wasn’t planning on being in any photos.

What was I saying??? ……

Oh yes. If you’re stopping by for the first time, please follow. You’ll get a few laughs and be supporting a good cause:

Fixing my effed up hair.



ps: Also, if you’re feeling really charitable, can ya give me a lil’ clicky love please? In my absence from the internet, I slipped a spot in the humor category on Top Mommy Blogs. Apparently I’m the only one who votes for my blog. Nice. Anways, A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE FOR....

well, still me. But do it anyways. Pllleeeeaassee!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

(Not-So) Wordless Wednesday: I’m baaaaaack!



Tonight I’m queuing up Peaches and Herb, turning down the lights, climbing into bed…. and playing BeJeweled Blitz.

Internet, I will never forsake thee again.

Sing it with me… I was a fool to ever leave your side. Me minus you is such a lonely ride……