Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Notice: A small request


Dear Offspring,

As your mother, I do a lot of not-so-fun things and ask for little. I wipe your rears, make all your meals, scrub unknown crusted food from your hair, clean up vomit, have caused irreparable damage to my back from lugging you everywhere, use enough Shout on your clothes to warrant buying stock in the company, and am on 24/7 duty to make sure you don’t cause injury to yourself or others. And that’s just to name a few. I’m not even going to go in to the whole pregnancy and birthing thing.

You are both with me constantly and while I can get over never showering without an audience, lukewarm meals that have had tiny fingers digging through them before I’ve even lifted a fork, and even the backwash floating in every beverage I attempt to drink, there is one small request I would like honored: Let me poo in peace. Please. I’m begging you. I try to sneak off when you guys are occupied and have it down to an art: In and out in under three minutes. A stealth pooper if you will. But it is becoming increasingly annoying that you will not even allow me 180 seconds to myself. 

Mommy sitting on the potty does not equal brush your teeth time. Nor does it mean it’s time to hang on to my leg, unroll the entire roll of toilet paper, or crawl to the tub to knock all the shampoo off the side. I do not find it amusing. Suddenly my three minute activity has become a fifteen minute ordeal. Mommy puts the baby gate up for a reason, stop knocking it down. Please. Considering I grew you, I really think this is a reasonable demand, don’t you? Your cooperation in rectifying this matter would be greatly appreciated.




ps: To clear up any confusion, the following photo is considered unacceptable behavior while Mommy is on the crapper:



  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA man I feel your pain. I also wrote a letter to my child today. Let's see if the decide to listen.

  2. try having the dog invading your time along with the kids. I love being a mom its freaking AWESOME!

  3. Yeah when I am in the bathroom it's brush my teeth time and vitamin time says my 2 1/2 year old and play in the shower time says my 10 1/2 month old!!!

  4. Bwahahaha! Not a moment of peace...EVER.

    The stealth pooper line cracked me up!

  5. I so feel your pain. I never get to go without either the kids, the 3 dogs or all 5 of them. It really ticks me off too when DH comes home and locks the bedroom door and shuts the bathroom door and stays in there for 30 mins going when I have to run and dash just to pee quick. Bless us all!!!!!!!

  6. LOVE this letter... and it's so TRUE!!! Hahah thanks for the laugh :)