Ever see those onesies with that splashed across the front? Always used to think they were so trashy, but now I can identify. If I had time to drink, I would definitely be hittin' up the bottle. Hard.
Okay, I have seriously been trying to write this blog (or at a least a variation of it) for days now. I feel like I'm on a one-way trip to Crazy. Behind the wheel is my newborn. Baby R - who turned one month yesterday, can you believe it?? - is the neediest little shite I have ever met. Besides the fact that he's a baby, he's so damn cute I can't be mad at him, but good Lord. Waaay different from his sister. I literally can't put him down and he still won't sleep unless he's held. My back is jacked up as all hell from "sleeping" (again I put that in quotes because I'm not sure what I get qualifies) with him on the couch in my arms. The day he turns 18 I think I'll just stick a chiropractic bill in his birthday card. Happy Birthday! You owe your decrepit mother money.
Tuesday he had his 4 week checkup. That was an experience. The night before he had screamed his little head for 4.5 hours. Yes. Hours. If my friend hadn't been here with me (DH had class), I may have just curled up into the fetal position and cried right along with him. But I digress. Back to the appointment. Little squirt weighs 8 lbs, 9 oz now and is 21.25 inches long. Doing well in that aspect. I mentioned to his pediatrican the fact that he was grunts all the time and always seems to have poo issues. One rectal exam later - poor, poor Baby R - and he was diagnosed with anal spasms.... I'll just let that digest for a minute ..... Yeah, my first thought was WTF too. If somebody's kid was going to have shit problems, of course it had to one of mine. I feel so bad for the little guy though. Apparently instead of baring down when he has to go, he clinches his little butt. Then, as if the rectal exam wasn't bad enough, they had a pediatric surgeon's nurse come to the room to instruct me in how to use this contraption called a dilator. It's this teeny tiny instrument that we - or really I because DH will have no part in the "butt plug" as he refers to it - have to lube up and put in his rear 3 times a day to help train his body to poop. It's about as pleasant as it sounds, trust me. If it'll help him out though, so be it. Gotta love his doctor though. She made sure to tell me to inform DH that using the dilator "won't mean Baby R will like things in his butt later in life". I about peed my leg at that one. She also said we may have to continue doing it for a few weeks or a few months. I'm hoping for the few weeks. Last night he was up from 2:00-2:30 grunting and crying so there I am, tired as can be, trying to assist him with his bowel issues. Nothing like a 3am poop extraction. That's a mother's love. *sigh* All I can do is laugh it off.
And just in case that didn't make the trip to the ped's office exciting enough, my dear toddler decided to act like the spawn of Satan and throw a fit the entire effing time we were in the exam room. She was not a happy camper that the baby was getting all the attention. When it became apparent that everyone was not focused on her, she decided she was done with the whole thing. She kept telling me "Go bye bye" and then trying to open the door. When I'd tell her no, she'd oh-so-nicely fling herself to the ground and start shrieking. The doctor told me to just ignore her, that she saw it a lot in kids that were new to the whole sibling thing. Easier said than done. I'm trying to listen to the directions on how to use the dilator -- definitely something I want to pay close attention to for the poor baby's sake -- and R picks up a Little Tykes chair and throws it. Like something out of the damn WWF, I swear. I was never so ready to leave that doctor's office. See why I could use a drink or twelve???