A wise person once said, "You spend a year wishing your baby would walk and talk and the next 17 wishing they'd just sit down and shut up." I'm not sure who exactly said that or where I actually heard it but it was the most philosophical observation ever. They should print it in greeting cards. Can you imagine opening that up at a baby shower?
Bug has become my stalker. A full on don't-turn-your-back-because-surprise!-I'm-there-I-will-follow-you-wherever-you-go crawling creeper. He's such a stealthy baby too. I don't even hear him coming until I back up to shut the dishwasher and Whoa, there's a baby behind me! One minute I'm trying to choose a rinse cycle, the next I'm flat on my ass writhering in pain. I have a subscription to Glamour and while they said accessories would be big this spring, I don't think they meant 21-lbs-of-baby big. But alas he is attached to my pant leg wherever I go now. It's cute for a while, but after roughly hour six of it, I'm done for the day. It has also sparked a vicious fit of jealousy in his sister, who then has her own meltdown until I pick both of them up. At the same time. Thank God I have child-rearing hips to support their combined 50 lbs of child.
I took the kids to the park in our subdivision today, all four of them. They love going but I swear to God, I'm exhausted before anyone's even set a light up sandaled foot on any playground equipment. Today's outing was pretty typical and went as follows:
Step 1: Put shoes/Pull-Ups/jackets/clean diapers on kids
Step 2: Make bottle for Bug to pack in diaper bag
Step 3: Pack aforementioned diaper bag with diapers, wipes, drinks for kids
Step 4: Sniff armpits because I can't remember if I've put deoderant on
Step 5: Can't tell because nose is stuffed up from allergies and have no sense of smell
Step 6: Take allergy medicine
Step 7: Switch shoes that one or both toddlers have put on wrong feet
Step 8: Take Bug and 3 yo I watch to car
Step 9: As lifting Bug into his seat, get a clear whiff of myself
Step 10: Usher kids back into house for Mommy pit perfume application
Step 11: Take Bug and 3 yo BACK out to car
Step 12: Load both in seat. Go back for Nut and 1 yo I babysit
Step 13: Get 1 yo strapped in very back carseat, pull Nut out of driver's seat she's climbed into and get her buckled in her carseat
Step 14: Where are my keys??
Step 15: Bug starts howling
Step 16: No, really, where did the damn keys go?
Step 17: Dump out entire purse. No keys
Step 18: Nut starts screaming "Go bye-bye in booful (beautiful) car! Go bye-bye!!!"
Step 19: WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS???
Step 20: Search under seats and in very back of car. No keys
Step 21: Phone rings, my mother. Needs me to book a flight for my step-dad.
Step 22: Find keys. In pocket the whole time.
Step 23: Turn car on, blinkers, wipers, and cruise control all turned on thanks to Nut
Step 23: Finally driving. Out of habit, leave my neighborhood and don't realize it until I'm 5 minutes away
Step 24: Go by Starbucks since I'm almost there anyways
Step 25: Get to the park, praise Jesus!
Step 26: Start unloading children
Step 27: Realize I've left diaper bag at home. Pray nobody poops.
Step 28: Kids are playing, I'm parked on a picnic table with the baby, trying to look up flights for my parents.
Step 29: Keep smelling something foul, checking Bug to see if he's dropped one. No poop.
Step 30: Daughter decides to run into an evergreen tree to hide. Won't come out no matter the bribe or threat.
Step 31: Go fetch daughter out of tree. Am now sticky and sneezing.
Step 32: Chase 1 yo that decided to crawl around to make sure he's not trying to eat rocks
Step 33: Tries to eat rocks
Step 34: Puts 1 yo in stroller to round up toddlers to go home
Step 35: Look down and realize the stench I've smelled the whole time was not from child or diaper but decaying rabbit under the picnic table I'm sitting at
Step 36: Haul ass away from table and threaten/bribe Nut until she gets off slide
Step 37: Make it back to car.
Step 38: Load up kids and stroller.
Step 39: Drive home
Step 40: Repeat Steps 11-15 in reverse
Step 41: Yell at Nut who is now sitting in wagon yelling for a walk
Step 42: Finally, finally, FINALLY get all kids in the door
Step 43: Open fridge and look longingly at Bud Light Lime.
It's time like these I wonder how - and why - people with a lot of kids go anywhere. Blah.