Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Quit stalking me (subtitle: I liked it better when you just laid there).

A wise person once said, "You spend a year wishing your baby would walk and talk and the next 17 wishing they'd just sit down and shut up." I'm not sure who exactly said that or where I actually heard it but it was the most philosophical observation ever. They should print it in greeting cards. Can you imagine opening that up at a baby shower?

Bug has become my stalker. A full on don't-turn-your-back-because-surprise!-I'm-there-I-will-follow-you-wherever-you-go crawling creeper. He's such a stealthy baby too. I don't even hear him coming until I back up to shut the dishwasher and Whoa, there's a baby behind me! One minute I'm trying to choose a rinse cycle, the next I'm flat on my ass writhering in pain. I have a subscription to Glamour and while they said accessories would be big this spring, I don't think they meant 21-lbs-of-baby big. But alas he is attached to my pant leg wherever I go now. It's cute for a while, but after roughly hour six of it, I'm done for the day. It has also sparked a vicious fit of jealousy in his sister, who then has her own meltdown until I pick both of them up. At the same time. Thank God I have child-rearing hips to support their combined 50 lbs of child.

I took the kids to the park in our subdivision today, all four of them. They love going but I swear to God, I'm exhausted before anyone's even set a light up sandaled foot on any playground equipment. Today's outing was pretty typical and went as follows:

Step 1: Put shoes/Pull-Ups/jackets/clean diapers on kids
Step 2: Make bottle for Bug to pack in diaper bag
Step 3: Pack aforementioned diaper bag with diapers, wipes, drinks for kids
Step 4: Sniff armpits because I can't remember if I've put deoderant on
Step 5: Can't tell because nose is stuffed up from allergies and have no sense of smell
Step 6: Take allergy medicine
Step 7: Switch shoes that one or both toddlers have put on wrong feet
Step 8: Take Bug and 3 yo I watch to car
Step 9: As lifting Bug into his seat, get a clear whiff of myself
Step 10: Usher kids back into house for Mommy pit perfume application
Step 11: Take Bug and 3 yo BACK out to car
Step 12: Load both in seat. Go back for Nut and 1 yo I babysit
Step 13: Get 1 yo strapped in very back carseat, pull Nut out of driver's seat she's climbed into and get her buckled in her carseat
Step 14: Where are my keys??
Step 15: Bug starts howling
Step 16: No, really, where did the damn keys go?
Step 17: Dump out entire purse. No keys
Step 18: Nut starts screaming "Go bye-bye in booful (beautiful) car! Go bye-bye!!!"
Step 20: Search under seats and in very back of car. No keys
Step 21: Phone rings, my mother. Needs me to book a flight for my step-dad.
Step 22: Find keys. In pocket the whole time.
Step 23: Turn car on, blinkers, wipers, and cruise control all turned on thanks to Nut
Step 23: Finally driving. Out of habit, leave my neighborhood and don't realize it until I'm 5 minutes away
Step 24: Go by Starbucks since I'm almost there anyways
Step 25: Get to the park, praise Jesus!
Step 26: Start unloading children
Step 27: Realize I've left diaper bag at home. Pray nobody poops.
Step 28: Kids are playing, I'm parked on a picnic table with the baby, trying to look up flights for my parents.
Step 29: Keep smelling something foul, checking Bug to see if he's dropped one. No poop.
Step 30: Daughter decides to run into an evergreen tree to hide. Won't come out no matter the bribe or threat.
Step 31: Go fetch daughter out of tree. Am now sticky and sneezing.
Step 32: Chase 1 yo that decided to crawl around to make sure he's not trying to eat rocks
Step 33: Tries to eat rocks
Step 34: Puts 1 yo in stroller to round up toddlers to go home
Step 35: Look down and realize the stench I've smelled the whole time was not from child or diaper but decaying rabbit under the picnic table I'm sitting at
Step 36: Haul ass away from table and threaten/bribe Nut until she gets off slide
Step 37: Make it back to car.
Step 38: Load up kids and stroller.
Step 39: Drive home
Step 40: Repeat Steps 11-15 in reverse
Step 41: Yell at Nut who is now sitting in wagon yelling for a walk
Step 42: Finally, finally, FINALLY get all kids in the door
Step 43: Open fridge and look longingly at Bud Light Lime.

It's time like these I wonder how - and why - people with a lot of kids go anywhere. Blah.


  1. And all you wanted to do was take the kids to the park...most likely to wear them out, only achieving the task of wearing yourself out! Goodness, even I am exhausted just reading this. I still do not know how you do it with 4 kids all day.

  2. Hi, just stopping by from 20sb to tell you that this: "A full on don't-turn-your-back-because-surprise!-I'm-there-I-will-follow-you-wherever-you-go crawling creeper."

    Is. Hilarious.

    You need to make his theme song "I'll Be Watching You" by Sting.