That’s how I’ve felt lately. Wordless. I feel like I hardly get to see my kids anymore, I feel like I’m constantly on the go, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, or going or coming, and I have a million different things going through my head. Thanks to the retail gig, I’m pulling 50-60 hour work weeks and I am TIRED.
I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping. I didn’t put up half the decorations I normally do. I haven’t done my baking. Nothing is wrapped.
I’m just… here.
Christmas is normally my favorite holiday. I joke that I shit holiday spirit because I seriously adore it. Normally. Usually.
But not this year. I’m not able to spend the money I want to, I’m budgeting myself paycheck by paycheck and now the things I was holding off on for last minute are no longer in stock.
My kids will be with their dad for the majority of Christmas weekend. We swapped Fridays so they are spending the night with me on Christmas Eve, which I am so very thankful for; at least they will wake up at home on Christmas morning. But the thought of coming home to an empty, quiet house on Christmas night depresses me.
Things have been weird. My mom and I constantly bicker, she told me a month ago we no longer had a relationship and she is definitely sticking by it. On Black Friday we got into a huge argument because she criticized me for working two jobs. Said I didn’t have my kids as my number one priority and that they spent too much time away from me. I find this laughable since I’m working two jobs to put food on the table and diapers on their butts and the time she refers to when they’re away is their scheduled time with the ex. Is that rational to you? I’m being given shit because I am doing the responsible thing and working my ass to provide for my kids and because their dad wants to spend time with them. I just don’t get it. But I can tell you it’s the last thing I need right now.
Le sighe. I am PMS’ing like a crazy lady right now in case you couldn’t tell by this whole woe-is-me post. I miss blogging. I miss reading blogs. I catch up on breaks at work but don’t have enough time to comment. I feel like I worked really hard on building bloggy buddies over the last year and I’ve just let it go to shit the last few months. All I want for Christmas is a vacation from everything for a while, I swear.