Notice: A small request

 

Dear Offspring,

As your mother, I do a lot of not-so-fun things and ask for little. I wipe your rears, make all your meals, scrub unknown crusted food from your hair, clean up vomit, have caused irreparable damage to my back from lugging you everywhere, use enough Shout on your clothes to warrant buying stock in the company, and am on 24/7 duty to make sure you don’t cause injury to yourself or others. And that’s just to name a few. I’m not even going to go in to the whole pregnancy and birthing thing.

You are both with me constantly and while I can get over never showering without an audience, lukewarm meals that have had tiny fingers digging through them before I’ve even lifted a fork, and even the backwash floating in every beverage I attempt to drink, there is one small request I would like honored: Let me poo in peace. Please. I’m begging you. I try to sneak off when you guys are occupied and have it down to an art: In and out in under three minutes. A stealth pooper if you will. But it is becoming increasingly annoying that you will not even allow me 180 seconds to myself. 

Mommy sitting on the potty does not equal brush your teeth time. Nor does it mean it’s time to hang on to my leg, unroll the entire roll of toilet paper, or crawl to the tub to knock all the shampoo off the side. I do not find it amusing. Suddenly my three minute activity has become a fifteen minute ordeal. Mommy puts the baby gate up for a reason, stop knocking it down. Please. Considering I grew you, I really think this is a reasonable demand, don’t you? Your cooperation in rectifying this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Love,

Mommy

 

ps: To clear up any confusion, the following photo is considered unacceptable behavior while Mommy is on the crapper: