I wish he was a “yes” man…

Bug has made the transformation. Ya know the one – one day you have a sweet, albeit rambunctious, toddler and the next you have a cloven-hoofed two year old who doesn’t hear a word you say and if he DOES, he pretends he doesn’t. I’m talking about The Terrible Two’s. Or as I’ve come to think of them, The If-You-Say -“No”-or-Throw-Yourself-To-The-Ground-One-More-Time-I’m-Going-To-Lose-My-Fucking-Mind Phase.

I don’t remember it being this bad with Nut. I don’t. Sure, she liked to destroy her room instead of sleeping during afternoon nap. And sure, she threw some monumental tantrums. But this – this is a whoooolllle ‘nother level. I knew I was in for it when I read his daily sheet from daycare this week:

"Reid has not had good listening ears this week.”

“Reid took a swim in the sandbox. He is clean but wet.”

“Reid had to sit out on afternoon playground time.”

“Reid turned the water on in the bathroom and stuck his Mickey doll under the faucet when he was supposed to be napping.”

Swell. The Two’s had been rearing their ugly head sporadically up until this point, but this week has been HELL. I take a little refuge in the knowledge that Bug is no longer saving this just for me, but spreading his Two Year Old Glory to his teachers too.

His favorite word is “no”. And not just a casual “no”, not my boy. He SPITS it out with disdain, a look on his face like I’m an idiot. He sounds like a tiny Cartman from South Park. It drives me bananas and is his answer to everything lately:

“You want a hot dog, lil’ man?”

“NO!”

Thirty seconds later… “Waaaaahhhh! I want a hot dog!!!”

I feel like I can’t take him anywhere. He won’t sit in a cart, is a head injury waiting to happen, but as soon as I give in to his demands to walk, he SPRINTS like a God damned caged animal finally free and I’m left to decide which child to ditch ~ the pint-sized run away or his sister who is staying by the cart as instructed. He is like a tiny dog on those occasions; runs half a frickin’ mile before stopping and turning back to see if I’m behind him - and if he sees I am, whooosh! He’s off another six aisles.  I call him The Terr(or)ier.

No form of punishment phases him. Time out? Psssh. Take his toy away? Oh well, he has 97 other Matchbox cars he can turn to. A threat to swat his bottom? He laughs and says, “silly, Mommy! That’s funny!”

His attention span is all of maybe 12 seconds when we are in public. He is cute, I’ll give him that. He tells everyone hello and goodbye and he dances and sings to music. And today when he pulled a giant VAT of vinegar off the shelf at Super Walmart, he told the poor worker who came to clean it up that he was “sowwy”. I guess in the grand scheme of things, at least the little shit has manners.

What made me happy this weekend:

 

 

Taking my pumpkins to the pumpkin patch – where we took a picture where we ALL were looking at the camera and smiling.

Notice my hat? Remember the small tidbit that I am DIE HARD St. Louis Cardinals fan?!? …….. well……

 

WE ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!

I say “we” like I’m on the roster.

Which, obviously, I am not.

But still.

I just ran a victory lap in my living room.

*squeals*

SMKSTW Friday: Modesty is her middle name.

Nut is my diva. She spends more time looking in the mirror and complimenting herself than anyone I know. That's okay though, right? Healthy self-esteem. And she's quick to tell other people how cute they look too so I think it all balances out. This morning she informed me she wanted to wear her Halloween skirt to school (yes, my 3 year old not only has her wardrobe memorized but also gets to pick out her own clothes). I hadn't gotten any pictures of her in yet though and when I looked out the front door and caught of glimpse of her in all her fashionista glory, I figured I might as well take some. As soon as she saw the phone come out of my purse, she was in full model mode.



I told her to smile and look cute for the camera and this is what I get:


I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I'm peace out'ing!"


I call this one her celebrity I'm-too-cool-for-this-crap pose:


I'm not really sure where she picked up the "Faaaabulous!" pose (secretly I wonder how many episodes of RHONJ she watched with my mom when she babysat them), but I have to admit it is pretty damn funny.



Christmas cards photos should be fun this year. She would have continued posing all morning if we weren't running late for school and instead had to settle for looking through my phone at all her shots and congratulating herself (and me) on her new clothes:


"You buyed me this outfit, Mommy? Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!"

Well then.

*pats self on back*

(Not so) Wordless - and not at all Wednesday

I was all prepared to post one of my favorite pics of the kids from the past few months for WW yesterday but got distracted and it didn't happen. I'm doing it today though because I seriously *heart* this pic AND as a Cardinals fan, I am TOTALLY ON CLOUD NINE about my boys in red making it to the playoffs!!!





LET THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER BEGIN!!!!! GO CARDS!!!!!!

Dear Offspring,

I'm writing to you in response of what I found awaiting me this morning in the bathroom. The photographic evidence is posted below in case you have forgotten:



Though neither of you will admit to it, I know for a fact that I didn't put the toilet paper under running water and then stash it in the hopes that nobody would notice. Oh no, not me. If I had done it, I would have known that sitting down on the potty ten minutes later was not a good idea. I would have known when the Starbucks I enjoyed last night hit me I better be prepared, seeing as how OUR LAST ROLL OF TOILET PAPER WAS NOW MUSH. But I didn't know that. YOU apparently did though, seeing as how nobody would respond to my pleas to please bring me the baby wipes, WHY WON'T SOMEBODY BRING ME THE GOD FORSAKEN BABY WIPES!?! I guess I should have been suspicious from the start, seeing as how I was actually being allowed to poo in private.


And that brings us to issue #2 (no pun intended). Here's the thing, kids... Mommy does not ask for much. And if I do, generally you choose not to listen anyways so it's like my demands were never mentioned in the first place. One thing I am consistant on is my request to poo uninterrupted. That's all. I'm quite stealthy at it, I can be in and out in under three minutes. Please afford me this luxury. PLEASE. Sure, the clapping you do is appreciated. And it is nice of Bug to offer me bits of toilet paper, even if they are so small it would be like wiping with shredded lunch meat. And I'll admit that it isn't ALWAYS your fault, Nut, that you have to pee the second my butt touches the seat.

But I don't need for my three year old to tell me my poop smells and to ask me to leave the bathroom (kind of hard to do logistically when I'm still..erm.. in the middle of it). You guys don't need to brush your teeth or wash your hands or put on lotion or get a bandaid or have me open a juice box RIGHT THAT INSTANT. Surely you can wait 90 seconds. Surely you can cut your mother some slack. Surely.....


Love,

Mom

SMKSTW Friday: Toddler Smackdown

My precious offspring have started arguing with each other recently. There had been sibling rivalry before, shoving for toys, blaming messes on the other... the usual.

But now we are on to full-fledged verbal spats. Half the time I have NOT A CLUE what the issue is or what the hell they're saying, but it can be amusing to watch. You didn't think I'd leave you guys outta the fun, did you??

So from what I can gather, Nut pointed to a picture of her infant self, informed Bug it was her, and he disagreed. This is what ensued:






Happy Weekend!

Give me your finest box of condoms , sir.

So it's Thursday. On the one hand, only one more work day left in the week - on the other, still one more work day left. It's a glass half empty kinda day around here and I'm wishing it was half full of wine. I'm finally beginning to believe that fall is here to stay - yay! - and I think I made it through the allergy season relatively unscathed. This is AWESOME news if you remember my seven week long coughing fit from last year.

I've started working a new shift at work, 9 to 6, which I LOATHE. I have to rely on the ex to pick the kids up from daycare every night and then by the time we get home, it is almost 6:30 and I've still got a meal to fix. I swear by the time I get dinner on the table, Bug has all but started to gnaw his own arm off. Have I mentioned he has garnered the nickname Fat Baby in the last few months? Not because he is fat by any means, but just because the kid can EAT. Seriously. Do you know many kids who could wolf down three bowls of spaghetti on their 2nd birthday? Thank God he never sits still or he'd have to be moved out of the house with a fork lift by the time he was 5.

What I do like about the later shift is that I don't have to be at work until 9am, which means we don't have to leave the house until 8:30...which means I don't have to wake up two grumpy toddlers at 6:30...which means my morning runs much smoother. It also means that when I was driving to work yesterday morning, I got to hear the weekly segment on the local radio station where they have a psychic phone in. If you can get through, you give her your first name and age and voila! She gives you a reading. I should give a disclaimer here where I say that I take all the psychic stuff with a grain of salt, blah blah blah. Whatever. I like them. I think they're fun. Now hush. Anyways.... lo and behold, I pick up trusty Droid when they queued the Psychic Suzanna theme music yesterday and got through. Too bad they weren't giving away money or something. But I digress...

The first thing good ol' Psychic Suzanna asked me was, "Nicky, are you pregnant?"

Um... say what?! I about shat myself. I told her no (and by told I mean I pretty much shouted it into the phone), but she couldn't let it go. Oh no. She had to continue on, tell me I wasn't fixed and insist, "Well you don't have three kids yet, do you?!?"

Hmmph.

She followed up that jaw dropper by telling me to expect some fun in a bowling alley. What? My mind is always in the gutter and after the pregnancy shocker, my first thought was that if I ever thought of having sex in a bowling alley, THAT idea is out....

Needless to say I don't remember much else of what she said because the threat of an impending pregnany was enough to make my ovaries swoop down and rip my lady bits off. I mean, sure I'd like another baby sometime down the road - like when I'm duped into marriage again... but not now. No way, no how. All that lady has managed to do is effectively ruin sex for me for a while. Which, hello! How rude.

Shit-My-Kids-Said-This-Week Friday!

I don't ever do regular features -hell, I don't even update regularly anymore if I'm being honest. But like I said earlier this week, I am turning over a new (or maybe it is old..?) leaf and getting back to my bloggy roots.

(pause for applause)

That being said, I'm introducing the one, the only (I hope, I didn't Google it before making that proclmation) SHIT-MY-KIDS-SAID-THIS-WEEK FRIDAY (SMKSTW)!!!! This is said dripping with sarcasm, so for those of you that are thinking I've turned into a complete douchebag during my blogging absence, fear not. I do think I will make it an every Friday thing though, because I have to say, my kids (well, okay mostly Nut since Bug doesn't say much that I can understand) say some huh-larious stuff.

Case in point -

Reagan on:

Her runny nose My nose is getting ridiculous.

Her new outfit This is the cutedest outfit EVER. I look FaaAAAAAaaabulous!

After passing gas (which is a really NICE term for what came from her tiny tush) Hear that? It was a bullfrog!

On hearing they were serving coffee cake for breakfast at daycare Coffee?!? I want a peppermint mocha!

While playing with her talking Jessie doll Stop talking, Jessie! You're driving me insane. I can't think straight!



So there you have it. The first annual SMKSTW Friday. Boom.

Lions and tigers and... tap dancing? Oh my.

Nut started dance class last night. It has been all she has talked about since I signed her up last month; all she tells anybody she meets about: "I'm going to be a ballerina. I will look faaAAAaaabulous and people will watch me dance on the stage!" (Have I mentioned her modesty?)I knew I wasn't going to have to worry about her playing shy or not wanting to participate. She was impatient waiting for them to open the doors "This is ridiculous. Are they gonna let us in or what?!?" and when they finally did, she about took out three classmates shoving her way to get in. She barely glanced back at me after securing a spot in the circle and wouldn't even come give me a kiss.

After I picked her up, I asked her what she learned - wanting to make sure I am getting my money's worth and all - and she very seriously responded, "how to tap tap tap my toes and roar like a lion."

*blink*

Um, okay.

Is anybody still out there?

I think I'm ready to blow the dust off my keyboard. I MISS writing. I miss reading. I miss my bloggy buddies.

It has now been one year since I began my single mom endeavor. I feel like I've finally settled into a routine and I'm ready to start spewing my randomness again. I can only hope that you all haven't given me up for dead.

I know you'd probably like an insight into what I've been doing the last twelve months or so, and it exhausts me to think about telling it all, so I'll just give the synopsis:

I am still at my job, but I still miss being a SAHM at times. I'm lucky the kids are at a great daycare/preschool though and doing awesome there, I'm so proud of everything that they are learning. Bug just turned 2, still doesn't sleep and is still a fricking wildman - as Nut will say, "my brudder is a WUNATIC!" As for my red-headed ball of fire, she is now 3.5 and sassier than ever. I could probably write a book of the things she spouts off, she is definitely her mother's child. Center of attention, a smart ass already, and a complete drama queen at times. I will definitely add some pictures later, I love to show them off.

I gave the ol' online dating thing a try... Good Lord, do I have some tales to tell. Those will have to wait for another day though, but I promise you they are worth it. I got my heart broken for the first time in my life. I think it needed to happen, as much as it sucked at the time. I know it probably sounds silly considering my husband and I split up, but I grieved that relationship while I was still in it so when things officially "ended", I was over it. I have been dating a great guy for a few months now though and I'm lucky to have somebody who makes me smile on a daily basis. I'll admit I don't like to talk about that too much on here - don't want to jinx it - but I will say I am a happy girl lately. :)

So there you have it. The ins and outs of the last year in 30 seconds or less. Now I just need to get into my Google Reader and see what the rest of you have been up to - unless of course you want to leave me your 30 second synopsis in the comments.. *hint hint*

M.I.A.

Holy hell. Has it really been four MONTHS since I’ve updated?? Did you all think I was dead?!? I feel horribly guilty for neglecting what I worked so hard on, but I had the worst case of writer’s block ever. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to talk about, it was just that I didn’t have anything I wanted to talk about on here.

Around Christmastime, ex-DH (I really need to think of a new name for him now) mentioned some things I’d written about. He said he hadn’t read it himself – which I believe, he always thought I talked too much so why would he want to read my babble?? – but that somebody he knew had told him I was embarrassing the kids and talking shit about him. It was enough to make me want to give up the blog. I felt violated, not by him, but by whoever read this and decided to use it against me. I wanted to write but I felt censored. I write because I love it and I want you all to read because it entertains you, not because you want to use it as ammunition to stir up trouble between me and my ex. I thought about starting a new blog. Shutting this one down, deleting everything, moving on and being completely anonymous. I thought about it a lot actually. What I would call it, how I would have the time to put the work into getting followers like I did last year. It exhausted me to think about it. So instead I just let my blog I worked so hard on sit here for four months. I know it isn’t the best reasoning but I needed the time. A lot has happened in the months that I’ve been gone and I really truly honest-to-God promise I will write about it all very very soon. For right now, I just wanted to say hi, for those that haven’t given up on me and mourned my bloggy death of course…..

Wordless.

That’s how I’ve felt lately. Wordless. I feel like I hardly get to see my kids anymore, I feel like I’m constantly on the go, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, or going or coming, and I have a million different things going through my head. Thanks to the retail gig, I’m pulling 50-60 hour work weeks and I am TIRED.

I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping. I didn’t put up half the decorations I normally do. I haven’t done my baking. Nothing is wrapped.

I’m just… here.

Christmas is normally my favorite holiday. I joke that I shit holiday spirit because I seriously adore it. Normally. Usually.

But not this year. I’m not able to spend the money I want to, I’m budgeting myself paycheck by paycheck and now the things I was holding off on for last minute are no longer in stock.

My kids will be with their dad for the majority of Christmas weekend. We swapped Fridays so they are spending the night with me on Christmas Eve, which I am so very thankful for; at least they will wake up at home on Christmas morning.  But the thought of coming home to an empty, quiet house on Christmas night depresses me.

Things have been weird. My mom and I constantly bicker, she told me a month ago we no longer had a relationship and she is definitely sticking by it.  On Black Friday we got into a huge argument because she criticized me for working two jobs. Said I didn’t have my kids as my number one priority and that they spent too much time away from me. I find this laughable since I’m working two jobs to put food on the table and diapers on their butts and the time she refers to when they’re away is their scheduled time with the ex. Is that rational to you? I’m being given shit because I am doing the responsible thing and working my ass to provide for my kids and because their dad wants to spend time with them. I just don’t get it. But I can tell you it’s the last thing I need right now.

Le sighe. I am PMS’ing like a crazy lady right now in case you couldn’t tell by this whole woe-is-me post. I miss blogging. I miss reading blogs. I catch up on breaks at work but don’t have enough time to comment. I feel like I worked really hard on building bloggy buddies over the last year and I’ve just let it go to shit the last few months. All I want for Christmas is a vacation from everything for a while, I swear.

Happy Halloween!!

Quick post, just wanted to get these up before the work week got in the way….

 

 

 

 

My little Woody and Jessie had a BLAST and Mama here is pretty fricking proud of her handiwork on their costumes. It’s amazing what some felt, two yards of fabric, an entire bottle of liquid stitch, and every curse word known to man can do. Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart. I think I’ll go reward myself by taste testing some of the kids’ candy…..

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!

Back by popular demand…

Okay. For those leaving comments (i.e. demands) on my Facebook, here I am. Blogging. Happy now?? My bathroom needs scrubbed, my kitchen floors need mopped, my 14 month old is currently running around naked from the waist down, but here I am.

I’m not even sure if an excuse would help but the only reason for my blogcation is this: I.don’t.have.time. Seriously. Most of the time I feel like my mind is one big cluster fuck. My house looks like Toys R’ Us threw up in it, the kids have been sick and demanding, work wears me out… I go from 6am to 10pm. And I’m tired. Thanks to a clogged drain, my washer is currently out of commission and until I can remember to call Dick Van Dyke Appliance World during normal business hours, I’ve been loading up clothes and taking them either to the ex’s or my mom’s to wash. Neither is too pumped about it and I can say I’m not either. As we speak, I have a whole basket full of wet clothing sitting in my mother’s laundry room that I need to go get and bring home to dry. Apparently she was none too pleased to return from their Nashville trip and find my clothes in her machine. Rather than offer to dry them though, I was rudely informed she throwing them “all in a God damned pile!”. Gee, thanks. Note to self: Call the repairman tomorrow.

The past week my best friend and her kids have been here staying with me. She’s leaving tomorrow and I have to say I’m pretty bummed out to be losing my temporary roommate. Seeing her youngest son – who was born 2.5 weeks after Bug – really reaffirms my belief that my child is N-U-T-S. The boy has no fear. Currently he’s sporting the remnants of a fat lip, as well as four bruises on his forehead. A stairwell? Ah hell, I’ll run down them! An opening in the playground equipment? I’ll fling myself off it! Front door that won’t open? Maybe banging my head against it will do something! Running down the hill in the front yard, tripping, and biffing the concrete?? Oh well! I swear I’m going to get the kid a helmet before he winds up retarded by his 2nd birthday.

Don’t believe that all hell is breaking loose in my house? Look at this picture:

This is what happens when you  leave cupcakes cooling on your oven and then leave the room to go change a diaper.

I can’t win. I try to clean one thing and some tiny terror of a tot is right behind me messing up something else.

And as if to illustrate my point even further, please took at what my precious, precious offspring snuck off behind the couch to do while I wrote this post….

That’s Desitin. When I asked her what the  hell she was doing (and yeah, I used that exact phrase, the situation definitely warranted it), she replied, “I got a boo boo on my hoo hoo!” Apparently her make believe diaper rash required a full body application.

And as for her brother, he wasn’t up to anything much better:

Drug out shoes from the shoebox, a box that needs to be shipped, and my personal favorite, rifled through the disaster that has become my purse. All while pantsless. Did you think I was lying about that earlier???

Saturday Confession

I was going to join Match.com. In fact, I did. I painstakingly filled out my profile. I poured over pages and pages of members last night. I even emailed somebody I thought was cute. And then today I went to Target. And I found these:

 

They were $24.99, coincidentally just about what I paid for one month on Match.  Being a single mom now, I rarely (and by that I mean never) buy myself anything so I couldn’t justify spending over $50 for frivilous stuff within a matter of days.

So what did I do? I bought the shoes, came home, hopped online and cancelled my account. Since it I was within three days, I got my money back. 

That’s right. I chose a pair of heels over potential dates. And I’m okay with this. Because those shoes are cute. And comfortable. And they make me feel sexy. The end result of what I was hoping to find on that stupid site anyways, only I’m sure my relationship with my crocodile pumps will last a lot longer.

I’m a lazy shit.

Get your whining boots on people, because it’s on like Donkey Kong.

I can’t believe I haven’t updated this thing in like…what…. two weeks? Epic failure on my part. Do you want to know what happened in those two weeks? I lost two followers. So guess how super awesome THAT makes me feel? Sure it could have been the over share about pissing my pants that did it, but I tend to go the more negative route and blame my absence. That way it’ll eat at me every day. Now every time I play the God, I need to post about (fill in the blank with random shit) but Gaaawwwd, I’m so tired game, I’ll worry that if I don’t just suck it up and do it, my readers will start dropping like flies. If there’s any of you left.

And yes, I am superficial and worry about the number of followers I have.

Sue me.

Work has been draining me. Not the actual work portion of it, mind you, but the effort I have to put forth every morning to get everybody up and dressed and moving and out the door in a timely fashion. Then I have to go to work and do the job. And when I come home and the kids cry and hang on my leg, effectively giving me their very own unspoken toddler Fuck You, guess what? That makes me even more tired. So when they go to bed, want to know what I do? I sit my ass on the couch.

And I enjoy it.

Sometimes I watch hours of TV. Sometimes I fall asleep at 9:00. Sometimes I take an hour long bath. But most nights, I don’t even think to open my computer.

Sure there are numerous times throughout the day where I think Man, I wish I could update the ol’ blog, where I have dozens of thoughts swirling around in my head. But then…

Then I come home.

And Jesus, I’m tired.

So for those of you that have stuck around? Please continue to do so. I PROMISE I’ll be back soon.

I even have something to post!

But I’ll get to that tomorrow.

After I sleep.

Because Jesus, I’m tired. 

Verbal Butt Pees

Week number two of work is winding down. That’s weird to say. Work. Maybe in a month it won’t seem so foreign to me. One thing I am pretty sure of is the novelty will have worn off by then and I’ll remember why I was so bajiggity to stay home in the first place.

Namely here is my one issue – besides missing my babies of course -  with being a working mom:

The whole job thing really puts the kibosh on activities I enjoy.

Like catching up on shitty reality shows on DVR while the kids nap. And blogging. And reading blogs for that matter. I opened up my Google Reader tonight and I had 763 new entries to read. What the shit?? I go to work where I can’t even open up a damn link to the weather and you people are all out here writing prose fifteen times a day. I have performance anxiety over the whole thing now, so thanks overachievers.

I have been trying to catch up the past few nights but just when I think I have it under control, I sign off for 24 hours, come back, and you biotches have added another 300 posts. Call me nuts but I actually read everyone I follow. I feel guilty if I don’t. Is that weird? Probably.

In another random news I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about ( because I know you were all wondering), I’m STILL COUGHING. It’s gotten to the point of being fucking ridiculous. I’m on day 26. No lie. My chest hurts, my sides hurt, I keep pissing my pants… I’m over it. Last night I Googled --- cuz you guys know how much I love to Google shit – the following: Can coughing damage your bladder? That was shortly followed by Lasting incontinence + violent coughing, and lastly my personal fave, Can you cough out your bladder?

Oddly I did not find any concrete answers. The only silver lining in my recent adventures in involuntary self-urination  is that after many instances of trial and error, I’ve finally discovered a way to combat the issue . In an ode to female solidarity, I feel I should share the secret with you: Overnight Maxi Pads. Oh yes. Like a big giant diaper. But I don’t just use one. Oh no, not with the amount of water I drink. I double bag that shit. Two pads. I overlap ‘em so I get extra coverage in the middle  but due to their erm…large presence, I basically wind up with a pad from my belly button to my ass crack. Sure it ain’t pretty (or okay, really all that comfortable), but no pain, no gain, and I’ll take waddling around with a fucking jerry rigged diaper on over pissing my pants any day. And just because I’ve already crossed jumped took a flying leap over the TMI line, let me also point out that I’m currently being visited from AF at the moment too. So not only do I the sanitary napkin equivalent of a roll of Bounty paper towels  chafing my lady bits, I also get the pleasure of trying not to get my tampon string stuck in a God damned Always wing.

Needless to say, I’m ready for winter to come and kill off all the shit that’s making me cough. Hear that, Mother Nature? 95 on the first day of Autumn today was some bullshit. BULLSHIT. Take note please. I’d like to make it to October without pissing out my bladder.

 

Whew. I feel a bit better after that rant. Since I’m incapable of taking deep calming breaths, bitching seems to be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe I can actually sleep now.

Until the coughing starts again of course.

 

Catch ya’ll on the flipside, I’m sure by the time I punch my password back into Google tomorrow, you’ll have all written thesis papers or something.  To distract yourself from furthering my “I’m not good enough” feelings, go check out the fabu  Mrs. Mootz over at a{museing} mommy... on a pink park bench. I get the pleasure of guest posting there today (tomorrow, whatever, it’s close enough to Friday) so if the mental image of me in my Maxi Pad Splendor hasn’t scared you off, click HERE and go read some more of my randomness.

And if you’re feeling all clicky happy, why not go pretty please throw me a *VOTE*too? Sure I may smell like your Depends-wearing senile relative in the nursing home, but at least I’ll stay in the top 10 for funnies, right?

Goooo Cawdnals!

Wow, two posts in a row. Thank you, steroids!! Last night..er Wednesday night,whatever you want to call it since it’s now officially after midnight, marked Nut’s annual trip to a St. Louis Cardinals game. For those who haven’t figured it out, we’re diehards in this house so I’m excited I get to pass the obsession love on to my kids even if I do think the team has given me an ulcer this year. Last night was doubly exciting since it was her very first Cub/Cardinal game.  Too bad they lost. Horribly. As I expected. I need my Tums now.

But I digress. I think the medicine has given me some sort of temporary ADD also because I can’t focus for the life of me. Nut absolutely loved it. When we got close enough to STL to see The Arch, she started bouncing in her seat yelling, “Baseball, Mama! Go Cawdnals! Hit da bawl!” I guess since you can see it in the background when they play, she recognized it from TV.  I just couldn’t go to bed tonight without sharing some pics of Nut’s first three games:

September 2008. 6 months old.

 

September 2009. 18 months old. 

 

September 2010. 2.5 years old.

 

I can’t believe how big she’s gotten!!  And just for fun, here’s some cute ones of her enjoying – which she did, let me tell you – the game:

 

ps: In case you’re wondering why Bug is absent from these photos… well, you’ve read my stories, would you take his squirrely ass somewhere he has to sit still? He can’t even make it three minutes, let alone three hours!!! By next year he should (hopefully) be calmed down enough to go. If not, there’s always HD, little buddy. Just like being there except you’re free to run around the house.

A Little Work, A Lot of Coughing

How has it been a WEEK since I last posted?!? I cannot believe how busy I am now that I have started working  again. For the bloggers that work full time, have kids, and still post a lot – you are super women! Seriously. Hell, even if you don’t have kids and you work and post I’m impressed because ::yawn:: all I want to do at the end of the day is sit on my ass.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For reals.  I get up at 6:30, take a shower, towel dry my hair, brush my teeth, put on makeup, get dressed, wake up Nut, get her dressed, turn the TV on for her, get her milk and some breakfast, blow dry and do my hair, wake up Bug, get him dressed, get him some milk and breakfast, get them loaded in the car and dropped off at my mom’s all before 7:30. Yeah. I get tired thinking about the fact that I have to do that routine all over again in oh….. 6.5 hours.

I’m happy to report they are doing GREAT at my mom’s though, although  I do think I am sensing some resentment towards me. They are happy as clams to see when I walk in… for a total of maybe  five minutes and then the whining kicks in. It continues as I’m strapping them in their car seats, during the entire drive home, and then the entire time I try to fix dinner. Generally they will take a break long enough to eat their supper and then waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh all over again through bath and bedtime routine.  I think it’s their way of telling me they’re pissed.

As for work, it’s going well. Or at least as well as four days worth of computer based HIPAA training can go. I am a speed reader though so I tend to be the first to finish and we can’t move on until the whole class is done. That can get a bit monotonous. I sat yesterday for hours. Literally. I met some fun girls that sit near me luckily so we’re keeping one another entertained as best we can. My only issue is that I can’t stop coughing. No, really. I cough all fucking day long. And then I cough some more. And oh wait, just when you look at a clock and think Gee, tuberculosis over there hasn’t coughed in five minutes, I then hack some more. Like a cat with a damn hairball. Raking, whole body coughs that cause me to gag and more often than not, piss myself. Thank you lasting souvenir from child birth. Panty liners are a girl’s – or a least a girl that had two kids in 18 months and pees herself if the wind blows wrong – best friend.

Not to be old and bitch about my health… well okay, that’s a lie because I’m going to…. but I am still feeling shitty from when I got sick at the end of August. I finally got in with my allergist tonight and it turns out I’m not even sick. What.the.hell. All it is is asthma. I’ve never had my asthma bother me like this, usually it just flairs up if I actually am sick. But this? Nah. Apparently ragweed – which is the thing I am most allergic too – is at an all time record high. Oh yay. Isn’t that lucky?!? What is it the youngin’s say; FML? Yeah. FML. Suck it allergies. Suck it weeds. Su—erm.

What was I saying?

Oh yes. The allergist. True to his usually medicine happy self, I was given a steroid shot, an IV drip of steroids, AND a breathing treatment filled with – you guessed it! – more steroids! I was also given a high dose of Prednisone (yet again, a steroid) and instructions to take 4-6 puffs of my inhaler ever 3 hours as needed. Holy hell. This was all after 6pm; it’s 12:15 right now and I’m high as a flippin’ kite. My face is tingling. Literally. I have so many steroids coursing through my veins, I’m too buzzy to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m exhausted, I just can’t calm down.

On a very random side note… do you think I’ll get Roid Rage? Hmmmm….

The next American Idol

 

My kid’s a rock star. A sideways rock star since Mommy is an idiot and can’t remember to turn her phone the right way to take video, but a rock star nonetheless. And yes – Bug’s real name is Reid. I’ve managed to unveil his secret identity in the process of showcasing his talent. Epic fail!