Over a week and no post from me. Sigh. I’m back in a state of writer’s block. I just can’t slow my mind down enough to write and I HATE that. Writing has always been my way of calming myself down, but lately I can’t even do that. If you read my guest post last weekend on The Life of Rylie...and Bryce too! then you can understand why I’m a bit…frazzled. As the move date gets closer and closer, my stress level goes up and up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not second guessing our decision or having reservations about it. It is time. It is right. But it is still hard. This weekend, we will be celebrating Bug’s 1st birthday with our families. The last weekend my children will live with both sets of parents as a unit. I can’t help but think it’s good we will at least be going out on a good note. Cake, presents, good food, good friends… our last Saturday as a family of four will be nothing short of fun. A bittersweet fun for me, but fun fun nonetheless.
As the weeks since DH signed his lease on an apartment – ironically enough on our third wedding anniversary – have passed and The Date has loomed closer, I have found myself looking back on our relationship. A picture here and there I stumble upon that makes me laugh. A bib that says “I Love Daddy”, the first baby item I ever bought when I found out I was pregnant, that makes me cry. How different we were then. How much promise I saw in our lives together. I guess I am in mourning for what was and what I had hoped would be. I am sad about the loss of a friend, because even though we argue and butt heads (a lot) and no longer love each other as husband and wife, he is the person that knows me best. It is odd to think that in a little over a week, I will have lost that. I joke to him that he will no longer have to pretend to care what I babble about. He jokes that I will no longer have to listen to him rant. Though we are ready for this marriage to begin its journey to the end, I know we are in for an adjustment. Life as I have known it is changing and I’m just… sad.
Sad. That’s really the only word I have to describe it. I wonder what it will be like when he leaves. I try to envision him packing his things up, loading them into his car, and driving away. I asked him last night if he was staying in his apartment the first night he has the keys. It was such a stupid question, I know, and the look he responded with let me know he was thinking the same thing. “Why wouldn’t I? The point of moving out is to move out.” I guess I have gotten accustomed to moving being a two day event but as he pointed out, he doesn’t have as much to move this time around. I think about random things, how it will be weird to open the bathroom medicine cabinet and see his half empty. How I will have to rearrange the shower shelves now that his will be vacant. I keep thinking of the SheDaisy song, “Little Goodbyes”. Not so much the lyrics (they’re more on the humorous side), just the meaning behind the title. Little Goodbyes. I know I will be slapped in the face with them when I’m least expecting it. Out of habit, will I try to go to DH’s dresser to steal one of his t-shirts to wear to bed? When I open the dryer, will I hold my breath like I do now, hoping he didn’t leave clothes in there (pet peeve)? Will I yell for him to come get the baby out of the bath so I can finish rinsing Nut’s hair? When the kid’s toys need batteries, will I walk out to the garage to get a screwdriver before I remember his tool chest is gone? Piddley things. Mundane things. But I wonder nonetheless. I won’t have to buy Doritos anymore. I’ll never have Coke in the fridge. I can make meatloaf without anyone complaining. I’ll have to get up early in the winter to shovel snow. If I hear a noise in the backyard, I’ll have to investigate myself. I won’t be forced to watch college football, which I secretly enjoy. Who will eat the leftovers from dinner? I’ll be the last one to bed every night. All of it, another reminder, another little goodbye. I know it will get better, I really do, I just wish I could fast forward through the shitty parts.
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Oh sweetie!! It's going to be tough, but I have faith that you can pull through this. No, I don't know what you're going through, but try to think about the positives. You can do what you want to do now. You can decide what's for dinner or what TV show to watch. I'll be thinking about you and your kiddos. [[HUGS]]
ReplyDeleteAs I read this on my 3rd anniversary, I am sad for you too, but also happy if you think this is the right decision for your family. YOu are a Mom and have to do what's best for everyone involved. I hope you have some good friends to get you through the hard times. I'll be praying for your family that the adjustment is not too difficult.
ReplyDeleteNic - My heart breaks for you, sister. This was so hard to read, I can't imagine how hard it was to write. These little goodbyes, and daily reminders are going to suck. If you know in your heart that this is for the best, then you have to focus on that and look to the future. One day, far down the road, I'm hopeful that all the tears and heartbreak that is laying ahead of you will be worth it. Love to you, girl.
ReplyDeleteHugs! I wish I had some good advice. I'm glad you have an outlet for your feelings. Just know you have friends, people who will listen. You have to feel what you have to feel and go through the grieving and healing process. My heart is with you and your babies.
ReplyDeleteColleen
Nic, I feel for you. Like Colleen said, this blog is a great outlet for your feelings. I love reading your posts, whether they make me laugh out loud or feel the heartbreaking emotion with a post like this. Best of luck to you... if you know this decision is for the best, then the best is yet to come in your future.
ReplyDeleteI am so saddened by your hurt Nic. I know that you sound confident in your decision, and as much as you know it is for the best, it is still hard. I am picturing all of the things you just said (opening his draw to get a t-shirt) and it is going to be a major change in your life. But you will keep your sense of humor and you will get through it. We are all hear to laugh and cry with you.
ReplyDelete