Two by two

I typed this up Wednesday, but when I went to post it my internet wouldn’t connect. Thinking it was just our wonderful service provider, I saved it and waited. Tried again, nothing. Checked the router. It was fine. It wasn’t until our satellite started acting wonky, that I went in the backyard to investigate. Imagine my surprise when I found our genius of a canine trying to rip the DISH cable away from the house. I went to check on the internet cable and found the utility box OPEN with the wires chewed in two. Thank you, Mo, you beast of burden. Here’s what should have posted days ago:

I’ve been all but MIA the last week, but I’m not taking the fall for this one. I’ll blame most of it on my newest arch nemesis, Mother Nature. I don’t know what she has against me (maybe the constant barrage of profanity directed her way..?), but I’m convinced she hates me. Take last Wednesday for example:

Around 3:00, some nasty storms developed near me. A severe thunderstorm warning was issued, expect 60 mph winds, hail, deadly lightning, heavy downpours, yada yada. Not to say that I don’t pay attention to the weather because I do (a tornado hit my house once and pretty much traumatized me but that’s a story for another day). I was just irritated because I was supposed to make an hour and a half drive that evening to pick up something from my brother’s girlfriend and have dinner with a friend and who wants to drive in that shit? Not me. I had just finished drying my hair, was way ahead of schedule on picking up the house, sanitized the toys, had half the dishwasher unloaded, happy kids. Not to pat myself on the back, but I was feeling pretty damn on top of things. Then the storm hits. I have never seen so much rain in such a short period of time in my life. To say it was pouring was an understatement, but I can’t come up with a better description. Torrential downpour? Biblical flooding? Anyways, about ten minutes into the Midwestern hurricane, I hear what suspiciously sounds like rushing water somewhere in my house. We have a tri-level so I ran downstairs to investigate. Holy God, people. We have a walk out with a door that leads to an outdoor stairwell. Coming in on either side of the door hinges was what I could best describe as a waterfall. I had no idea what to do. I looked out the window of the back door and water was probably standing a good three feet in the well. I thought maybe the drain was clogged, so I ran like a bat outta hell into the backyard – in the 60 mph wind, hail, and aforementioned deadly lightning – to see if there was anything I could do to help it drain. There is a metal gate (hello, lightning rod!) around the stairwell so I scaled it, jumped down into waist deep water and started digging. The whole time, I’m praying Please God, don’t let me get struck by lightning, please, please, PLEASE  while visions of all the cursing, drinking, and premarital sex I had danced in my head. I was a goner, I was sure of it. I didn’t get much out of the drain, and it was then that I noticed it was actually bubbling so I thought eff it and went back in the house. Looking out my front window, I noticed there was almost a foot of water in our cul-de-sac so Mystery Solved! The rain was too much for the drainage system to handle so it was pushing it back up. After all was said and done, I wound up with standing water in my entire lower level, a wet furnace that caused the blower on the A/C to go out, and a house that smelled like a lake. The final rainfall total? 5 inches in less than 2 hours. WTF? You needed an ark to get around town. Luckily insurance is covering our losses and our air was fixed late Friday. I’m telling you, I would SUCK as a pioneer. I was miserable without my temperature-controlled 69 degree house. So yeah. There ya go. My excuse. Now all I need to do is catch up on my Google Reader. Considering I have a week’s worth of reading and four kids to watch, I should be done sometime around two weeks from never.