Pregnancy Books - The Lost Chapters

I swear I'm going to write a pregnancy book. What to REALLY Expect When You're Expecting. This post is going to be overshare/TMI overload so stop reading now if you don't want to hear about bodily fluids.


If you're still reading after that disclaimer, here we go....

Last night my back was killing me so I decided to take a warm bath - and okay, I also hadn't washed my hair in three days and didn't want to go out in public today looking like a scrub - to relax. Before I could though, my latest issue struck again. To put it somewhat nicely, let's just say baby #2 keeps making me go #2. Ever since this weekend, it's been numerous times per day. It's really starting to annoy me. I spent the first 8 months of pregnancy driving to Starbucks every 4 days for an iced mocha to keep things somewhat regular (sounds crazy, but if you're having issues, try coffee!) and now.... well, let's just say I've gone more in 3 days than I have in the last 3 months combined. And that's no shit. Pun intended.

After that excitement was over, I got in my bubble bath, leaned back, put my arms down, and then felt a trickle. I look down and my damn boob is leaking milk. WTF?? I'm not due for 32 more days, I hope to God I don't have a drippy faucet for a nipple the next 4 and a half weeks. It really grossed me out. I know it's nature and blah blah blah, insert breastfeeding propaganda here, but ew. I don't even know if I'm going to bf at all with this baby, solely because I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of caring for an 18 month old and the 2 year old I babysit whilst having a barracuda attached to my teat. Plus there's the pumping and the pain and my biggest pet peeve - the damn leaking boobs! I had to dress like a freaking onion - in layers - when R was a baby because any time we went out in public, it was inevitable that I was going to need a cardigan to cover up the milk rings that sprouted about 30 minutes into our journey. See why I don't want to have to deal with them leaking before I've even birthed my child??? I can't wear a cardigan in August!


As if all of that wasn't enough, I made tacos for dinner last night and as delicious as they were (and ohhh were they nummy), I wound up with some major heartburn. Just as I'm inspecting the milk running forth from my boobie, I burp, puke in my mouth, and then have it go up my nose and run out. Effing disgusting. The whole time all of this is occurring (which is within a 15 minute span thankyouverymuch), there is a Week by Week pregnancy book sitting on the side of the tub staring at me. I picked it up and flipped to 35 weeks. There is a small blurb about possible milk production and increased bowels, but they make it sound like it's nothing, and there's nothing in there about puking out your nose. Bastards. I need to check. I bet a man wrote that book....c

Hmm of the day

How in the hell do I get horrible heartburn from Honey Bunches of Oats tonight, but last night ate skillet queso and chicken fajita quesadillas from Chili's and was perfectly fine?? I suspect it is because my baby is a quarter Mexican.....

Aw crap. Literally.

Just because this is my luck:

Went swimming at my parents' this afternoon with R. Realized she was out of swim diapers at the last minute. Figured she'd be okay in just her swim bottoms, rather than making her wear a regular diaper that would absorb 25 lbs of water. She's fine the entire 2 hours we swim, get her out, sit her on my lap to dry her off and hear Pfffffftttttttttt. I look down the back of her bottoms and yeah. Poop. And we're not talking very solid here. My mom looks over and goes, "You have shit running down your leg." Very helpful, Mom.

Just another day in paradise!

Over an hour later and $15 poorer...

The pediatrician tells me R possibly has something viral, but is definitely cutting some more teeth. Wow, thanks for your professional medical diagnosis. Glad I sat in your waiting room for 30 minutes and then an exam room for 45 more while my child ran around like a banshee, bashed her head no less three times, and I about died of a heat stroke. He suggested Benadryl at bedtime to help with some post-nasal drip so I gave her that last night with a shot of Motrin and it did the trick. She did wake up at 3:30 when I got up to go to the bathroom, but it was better than nothing.

DH wound up on my shit list after that incident though. As I was lying in bed, waiting to see if she would just whine/cry it out like I was hoping, he leans over in my face and hisses, "If you hadn't gone to the bathroom, she wouldn't be awake. Get a bigger bladder or some diapers." I swear I almost sucker punched him in his throat. Instead I told him if he was going to make dumbass suggestions to go sleep on the couch. So he did. And R and I slept in until 9am this morning. Ahhhhh. Slumber at last.

Zombie Mom

I really think my child harbors ill feelings for me throughout the day and then inacts her revenge by not letting me sleep at night. I'm on Day 4 of getting less than three hours of sleep a night and it is keeeeling me. Unlike R, I don't get the luxury of taking a four hour nap to make up for the nightly lack of shut eye. It started in around 12:30 last night. I'd just hit that nice part of slumber where I was drooling on one of my six pillows and the whining began. I turned down the monitor, thinking/hoping/praying/begging she would just roll over and go back to sleep, but noooo. When I didn't immediately come fetch her from the confines of her crib, she upgraded to full-fledged crying, which then turned into the hysterical bawling that started to border on the edge of hyperventilating. DH was still awake watching TV, so you'd think he'd hear all the commotion and just go get her. But no, he has a penis and therefore is able to tune these things out. Instead I had to slowly roll my aching pregnant body out of bed - and when I say roll, I mean that literally. My hips hurt so bad that I just kind of have to fling myself over the edge and hope I land on my feet- to go to her room. I brought her into bed with me and then didn't doze off again until almost 3:00. I was up again at 3:33 when the whimpering commenced. She was due a dose of Motrin at that point so once again I fling myself out of bed and waddle/hobble like a pregnant zombie to the kitchen and back to get her some. Lemme tell ya, trying to get that spoon in her mouth was like trying to force feed a rabid dog. She was having no part of it. I thought I'd gotten a good amount of it down her throat, but as the fussing continued and 4:00 turned into 5:00 and 5:00 turned into daylight, it became apparent that most of it wound up in her hair. When my alarm went off at 7:00 and I was still laying there hoping to fall asleep, R sits up, says "Hiiiiii Mama!" and it's then I notice my 17 month old is rocking her very own Something about Mary 'do, courtesy of what I guesstimated to be about the whole damn teaspoon of Children's Motrin. *sigh* I'm taking her to the ped's this afternoon to see if there's a medical reason why she's moaning all night long, or if really is just because she's mad at me for not letting her eat ColorWonder markers.


Oh, before it slips my mind... My ob appointment yesterday: Yeah, still pregnant. Not much else to report. The best part is that they didn't even wind up doing the stupid Strep B test so I spent all that time in the bathroom the other night for NOTHING. The office's computer system keeps putting my due date at the 23rd instead of the 30th so they had me at 35 weeks instead of 34. It gets corrected every time I go in, but that's technology for ya I suppose. Either way, I won't be getting that test until next week. It also means that I didn't get an internal check to see if I was dilated at all. I was pretty bummed about and told my doctor as much so as a consolation of some sorts, he says to me, "Well, you've definitely dropped. You're more rectangular shaped now." Gee, thanks. I start going weekly from now on though and I get an ultrasound next week so at least I have that to look forward to. In the meantime, not much else I can do but take it day by day - or on days like today, minute by minute.

Overshare of the day

I was sitting in the tub last night, trying to relax and wound up reading a baby book. I was looking all throughout the 34 week section trying to find something that would give me reassurance that I will not, as I fear, be pregnant forever and that maybe, just maybe, this baby will make his grand appearance in the world a few weeks early. It's wishful thinking, I know, and really all I came out of the chapter with was the assurance that what I have been feeling isn't contractions after all, but only false labor. Apparently it's very common with your 2nd pregnancy. Yippie.

As if that wasn't depressing enough, I very nicely asked DH if he would be so kind as to help me... ahem, tidy up the baby area (the baby belly blocks my view) since I have an ob appointment this morning and they have to do a swab of the aforementioned region. I figured it was the least he could do, considering he's the one who got me into this predicament. His reaction? "Are you shitting me??" He then laughed and left to go buy a 12 pack. I decided that his assistance would not be required, as it was probably in my best interest not to mix a razor and alcohol. I stubbornly dragged a full-length mirror into the bathroom and after many tears, many dropped f-bombs, and 55 minutes, I emerged feeling somewhat presentable to go the doctor. It may seem odd, but us knocked-up chicks don't have much dignity left by this point in our pregnancy (and the shred that is left will be gone after labor) so it's really the little things that count.

R was up again last night whimpering for hours. I wound up turning off the monitor and bringing her to bed with us because it's not like I was sleeping anyways with her cries echoing in surround sound around our bedroom. I really think she is cutting her 2nd set of molars. Or at least I hope that's the issue. The whimpering continued until the Motrin I gave her kicked in, and I was laying there staring at the clock on the ceiling (I got a projection alarm clock for Mother's Day. Don't ask.), tired as hell, I had the sudden realization that OHMIGOD, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A NEWBORN SOON. Now you would think that this would have dawned on me the moment I peed on a stick and saw the heart-stopping PREGANT pop up in all it's oh-shit glory, but no. From the get go, all I've wanted is for this pregnancy to hurry itself up. First trimester, go away fast, I'm sick of sporatically gagging and feeling like a zombie. Second trimester, get over with, I want to know what we're having. Third trimester, get your ass over with, this thing is sucking the life out of me, I can't breathe, I can't eat, and I'm constantly effing hot. I don't think I ever truly grasped the concept of having another new life to care for, especially now that R is in her Toddler Tantrum mode. I nearly had a panic attack right then - 4:24 am, laying on my six pillows with a 17 month old's foot in my jugular. I still need to process it all. More on that revelation later though, as I'm off to the doctor. Let's hope I've started to dilate. <----- See? Still trying to hurry it along....